Animal I Have Become
by garfieldodie
Summary: Set two years before Back to Earth. The Dwarfers find that a GELF has broken on board. Their attempts to capture it lead to experimentation, and they end up creating something far more sinister...
1. Early Mourning Sunrise

**Author's Notes: **_Okay, I promised this story (to whom, I don't know, but here we are) about a year ago after _Back for Kochanski _was finished. It's been sitting on my computer all this time, waiting for me to get out of my writer's block, but now I've finally relocated my fanficcing mojo. I just sat down and started writing a new chapter for the first time in nine months (a whole pregnacy probably passed for _someone _during that writer's block)._

_So this takes place during the fictitious Series X. Kochanski's "dead" but Holly's still here and male. Rimmer is a nanobotically-ressurected living human being. Everbody enjoy._

_

* * *

_

_Three months_…

It was a long walk to his destination.

_Three whole months_…

It was something he had to live with.

_Three completely whole months_…

It just wasn't fair.

_It's been three completely whole months_…

All that potential… All that could have been… It was all gone…

…_since she died_.

It just wasn't how it was meant to happen.

The doors to the Remembrance Garden slid open.

Lister, wearing his tuxedoed top and his regular clothes bottom, stared at the gravestone at the end of the walkway. He paused before he heaved a sigh and walked slowly towards it, his eyes fixated solely on the picture in the center. He could already feel the lump in his throat rising.

But he made it the whole way. He took pride in that.

He sat down cross-legged, leaning forward and placing the flowers in front of her picture. He felt his entire lower jaw waver as he stared at the picture of her.

Kristine Kochanski smiled at him cheerfully through the picture frame's glass.

It just wasn't fair.

They'd all been trying to get over it. They'd tried to get past it.

Three months didn't seem long enough to thoroughly grieve.

But Lister decided it was time. He had to get his life in order.

"Hey…," he said quietly to the photo. "We're getting better. I think we're getting better."

Silence greeted him.

She was such a good listener.

"We'll never forget you. I'll always visit you. But we need to move on. We need to be strong. We need to…"

He trailed off, staring at her photo. He felt the tears begin to stream down his face. He knew this wasn't going to be easy.

But he had to let go now.

"I'll come back next week. We'll read a book together, eh?"

She continued smiling.

Lister wiped his nose messily with his nice sleeve. He stood up and looked around quietly before readdressing her.

"I'll see ya, Krissie," he said affectionately.

And with that, his resolve firming, he turned and made the long trek down the gantry towards the doors.

_Three months_…

So endeth another day.

_Three months_…

He activated the doors and left through them as they opened.

_Three months_…_and one day_.

* * *

Rimmer smoothed out his khaki uniform as he looked at himself in the mirror. He picked up his comb and rinsed it in the sink before reapplying it to his side part. He remembered when his part was so ingrained it was gouged into his skull.

His eyes flitted over towards something being reflected in the mirror. He saw the empty bunks, and draped over the top one was a pair of discarded black trousers. He remembered asking Lister why he didn't wear the trousers with the jacket and bow tie, and Lister had said that they bunched up his love spuds.

Rimmer had let it go. His crewmate needed time to grieve.

It had been such a mindblower when they found out.

Kryten had broken the news to them all. He had said that the airlock had depressurized ninety seconds too soon, and she'd been sucked helplessly out into space.

There was nothing they could've done.

They searched for the body, but to no avail. She was gone.

So they'd had the funeral in the Remembrance Garden.

That was a little over three months ago.

But things were more or less starting to get back to normal.

Rimmer reflected how hard it was. Everyone's world had been noticeably diminished. There had only been the six of them: him, her, Lister, Kryten, Cat and Holly. They had been a unit. They had been together through a lot.

But now there were five.

And Holly wasn't exactly all there most of the time, so it was more like four and a half.

It was a pity, because they had all been getting along quite a bit better. Or at least Rimmer thought so.

But he knew they had to steel their resolve and move onwards. Things would get better. They'd find their direction again and they'd be alright.

Satisfied that his uniform looked neat and clean, he set about his daily routine. He made sure all his books were in order alphabetically. He made sure there were no crumbs on his section of the table. He made sure that his bed was made. Then he decided to check up on their supplies. He took a seat at the table, accessing the links with the ship's mainframe. He was just logging on when he heard the doors slide open.

When he looked up, he saw Lister looking rather downhearted. He was looking at the floor as he shuffled through the hatchway. He slowly removed his black jacket and then hung it up on a hook. He sat down in a chair across from Rimmer, not looking at him. He just stared at the blinking lights on the table.

Rimmer looked at him unsurely, feeling sympathy for his crewmate, but not sure of how to articulate it. He thought it best to keep quiet for now, and he tried to focus on reading the streams of green computer codes that were flying across the screen, trying to find his data for him.

They sat in silence together for several minutes. Neither one was sure what to do.

Finally, however, they heard the sound of the computer screen kicking on, and they heard a familiar London twang reverberate around the room.

"Alright, dudes?" Holly asked. He didn't exactly sound overtly cheerful. He was rather quiet, sounding as if he was concerned.

"Hey, Hol," Lister said quietly, turning slowly to look at him. "What's up?"

"I'm afraid we've got a bit of a problem."

"We're not low on hair gel _again_, are we?" Rimmer asked, dreading an affirmation. "I swear the Cat goes through that stuff faster than a French Border Guard with track shoes and a coupon for cigarettes."

"Nah, we're good for that. I was thinking more along the lines of something hacking its way onboard and sneaking about the air ducts and then dropping into the cargo bay."

Lister and Rimmer snapped to attention.

"What is it? Can you tell?" Lister asked, getting up and walking over towards the screen.

"My sensors can't quite reach that section of the Cargo Bay. Still, I did manage to retrieve some vid footage from the security cameras. Have a look."

Holly's image was replaced with a blurred image of a small blob making its way around a corner.

Lister squinted at it. "What do you think it is?"

Holly's image returns. "It could be anything from a large swamp rat to Shatner's toupee come to life. I'd suggest you get down there as quick as a nun's first curry."

"Right. Alert Cat and Kryten. We're on our way."

Holly nodded and vanished from his screen.

"Rimmer, come on, man. We've goin' hunting," Lister said firmly, heading for the doors.

Rimmer gulped nervously. "Right, Listy. Coming," he said, hoping he sounded remotely brave.

Lister hid a smirk at his crewmate's wavering tone as he activated the doors again and legged it down the corridor.

* * *

They made it to the Drive Room within six minutes. As they skidded inside, they found Kryten already there, and the Cat arrived moments later.

"What's the haps, buds?" he asked, straightening his dark blue jacket.

Holly's face materialized on the giant screen. "We've got an unidentified life form in the Cargo Bay," he said.

"And we've got no idea what it is," Lister added.

Kryten was studying a screen grab of the creature. He was trying to get a better look at it. Rimmer looked over his shoulder.

"You getting anything, Kryten?"

"I'm trying my best to identify it, sir, but the image is very blurred."

"Yeah, the Cargo Bay vid cams are very bad," Holly said. "They get lousy reception."

"Why doesn't anyone ever bother to replace them? The Cargo Bay strikes me as one of the most important places to _have _security cameras," Rimmer noted.

"You want to transverse several hundred floors to change a camera? Be my guest," Lister snorted.

"So what do we do?" Cat asked.

Lister peered at the picture himself.

"I say we grab some bazookoids and investigate," he decided. "It's small. We may be able to get it pretty easy."

"Then let us proceed with caution then, sir," Kryten advised. "We don't know what it does yet."

"Yes, how do we know there isn't a great big straw inside it that can stick out like a frog's tongue and suck out our brains?" Rimmer said, sounding like he thought this to be a very high probability.

"We'll take our chances, man. Okay?"

Lister awaited the typical "no-kay" he usually got when the old hologram Rimmer was stuck in this sort of argument. But he was relieved when he heard a rather reluctant, "Okay."

They ripped open the Munitions Cabinet (originally the broom closet), and Lister pulled out three bazookoids, tossing one to Cat and one to Rimmer. Then he reached inside and pulled out the Psi-Scan for Kryten, tossing it to him.

"Ready?" he asked, slipping the strap up and over his shoulder.

He received three nods in response.

"Then let's go to town."

They marched out the doors to face the thingy.


	2. The World's Tallest Midget

There was a soft ding, and the lift doors slid open, revealing the _Dwarfers _clutching their bazookoids. Lister stepped out first, looking down the long corridor. He nodded for the others to follow on. Cat followed next, then Rimmer, and finally Kryten, checking his Psi-Scan.

The corridor leading into the Cargo Bay was empty, but the huge metal doors were looming in the distance, locked tighter than a self-obsessed teenage girl's diary.

Swallowing down his nerves, Lister led the group to the doors. He pressed in the twelve-digit code that activated the mechanism, and with a loud clank, the hydraulics whirred and began to turn, pulling the doors open. They stopped with a loud hiss once all the way there.

The Cargo Bay was huge. It took up about five floors of the whole ship. Crates lined in the various passageways, and above them was a row of lamps that hung from the ceiling.

Holding up a finger to his lips to tell them to keep quiet, Lister slowly led the way inside.

The cold damp air hung in silence, punctuated by the local water tank about one floor down.

Kryten tapped some commands into the Psi-Scan to check out the area around them. He watched a bunch of computer data whiz across the small screen before it became intelligible.

"You getting anything, Krytes?" Lister whispered.

"Yes, sir, I believe so."

"What've you got?"

"It's here."

There was a beat in the conversation as the others stared at him.

"Oh good," Rimmer hissed sarcastically. "I was wondering why we came all this way."

"Sir, that's important to know," Kryten said feebly.

"Yes, that's why we knew it before we came down here."

Lister sighed to himself. "Kryten, what he's _trying _to say is: can you be more specific?"

"Sir?"

"_Where_ in here?"

"Oh! Ahem... Somewhere."

"Well, doesn't _that _just narrow the field about two acres, eh?" Rimmer snorted.

"How about you, Cat? What do you get?" Lister asked.

Cat sniffed at the air, looking around, explorative. He took a few cautious steps forward to get a better scent. Finally, he took two deep sharp inhales and turned back to face the others.

"We need to grab the Cargo Lift. It's one floor down."

They trekked down the corridor towards an open-sided service lift. It was big and wide and only had a guard rail going around and a control panel on its chain-link gate. Lister jabbed his finger into the button that took them down a floor, and winced at how loudly it screeched.

"Man, someone needs to overhaul this sucker," Cat commented. "Sounds like a teacher scratching her nails against a freshman."

They came to the next floor, and the lift juddered to a halt, letting out a loud hydraulic hiss. They opened the gate and walked along the first of few feet that were a part of a twenty acre room.

"How about now? Anything?" Lister asked.

Cat started sniffing again. His head swiveled around comically as he flared his nostrils and searched out the room.

Rimmer nonchalantly checked his watch while he waited.

Finally, Cat jerked his head in one direction. "It's that way."

Getting ready for anything, Lister followed him down the corridor, making sure Rimmer and Kryten followed first.

Cat continued to sniff the air. He snuck along the winding corridors slowly, checking around the corners of each intersection carefully.

Finally, after several minutes of what seemed like an endless day, he led them to a corridor that he refused to enter.

"It's down there," he whispered.

Kryten checked the Psi-Scan. He nodded slowly. "He's right, sir."

"What lifesign is it giving?" Lister whispered.

"I think it may be a GELF, sir. It's very small. It may be in some sort of infant-form."

"So it shouldn't pose much of a threat?" Rimmer asked hopefully.

"I should think not, sir."

"Right, put the bazookoids on 'stun'," Lister ordered. "We'll approach it carefully."

They flipped some switches on their weapons, activating the desired feature. Lister carefully poked his head around the corner. At first, he couldn't see anything.

Then he noticed something scurrying across the corridor and between the crates.

"I saw it!" he cried, hurrying into the corridor.

Cat followed behind him and looked around frantically, trying to keep calm. "Where'd it go?"

"It went through there!"

Kryten scurried forward with the Psi-Scan. "It's gone through the crates. It's moving very rapidly."

Lister doubled back and rounded the row of crates and boxes, scurrying into the next one just in time to watch the creature vanish through the next row.

"This way!" he shouted to the others, legging it down the rows, trying to catch up.

Cat easily overtook Lister in his chase, and he heard the thudding footsteps of Rimmer and Kryten coming after them. They kept catching glances of the creature vanishing between the boxes.

"Don't worry, sirs," Kryten yelled. "It's bound to grow tired and slow down eventually!"

Cat led the way past a couple more rows until he saw something that made him stop. Lister skidded to a halt behind him, followed by Kryten and then Rimmer. They followed his gaze and stared in shock at what stood in the corridor.

A ten-foot-tall slobbering hairy creature with all the appeal of an overgrown sewage rat towered over them, panting heavily.

"Oh mummy…," Rimmer mumbled.

"Where the hell did _he _come from?" Lister demanded, tightening his grip on his bazookoid.

Kryten checked the Psi-Scan again. "Er, I believe it's the same creature, sir."

"The same creature? You're telling me that the itty-bitty dude was packing fast-working steroids?" Cat demanded disbelievingly.

"We'd need to take it to the Science Room and run a few tests to find out, sir," Kryten said, not taking his eyes off the creature.

"So what do we do now?" Lister asked quietly.

The creature took a slightly clumsy step towards them, making the floor vibrate under their feet.

"Well, we could always make a run for it," Rimmer suggested, already edging away from the aisle.

"Rimmer," Lister said with a disparaging sigh, "running away can only be two things: cowardly or sensible."

Rimmer rolled his eyes with irritation. "And this would be…?"

The GELF opened its mouth and revealed three rows of sharp teeth.

"I'm thinkin' sensible, myself," Cat said with a whimper.

"Gets my vote," Kryten agreed.

Lister's flitted amongst his crewmates for a few moments. He rarely backed down from a challenge. But even he could see that their bazookoids probably would be about as affective for protection as would a metal pipe in a lightning storm. So, he made up his mind.

"Leg it!"

The four of them turned and ran down the corridor, heading back for the service lift.

The GELF let out a primal growl and dropped to all fours, chasing after them like a cougar.

Rimmer led the terrified quartet back to the lift that waited in the distance. He got ahead of the others and made it to the chain link gate, quickly unlatching it and stumbling onto the platform. Kryten waddled in behind him, followed by Lister.

The GELF was getting closer to the Cat, who was storming onwards as fast as he could. He felt a giant paw come down behind, missing by inches. Cat leapt forwards from fright, jumped and somersaulted through the air, landing in the lift and struck a pose.

"And the hair looks _great_," he said proudly.

Lister shook his head and jammed his finger into the button that would take them to the top floor.

With a screech and a clatter, the lift slowly started to make it's ascension towards the opening in the ceiling.

Rimmer looked around and took note of the speed. "Why was our first option this?" he asked.

"I dunno. I was following you," Lister replied with a helpless shrug.

The GELF let out a very loud howl that sent chills down their spines. Just as the lift was a quarter of the way off the ground, the creature head-butted the hydraulic extending arm that pushed it upwards. The entire lift creaked and groaned, kicking up a shower of sparks that drove the beast back.

The lift platform smashed on the ground, catapulting the four of them to the floor.

Cursing and swearing, Lister got to his feet and to his feet again and looked over his shoulder for the creature. At first, it looked like it was gone, but upon closer inspection, he saw that it had somehow turned back into its much smaller self. It was startled, and it lay there, quivering nervously.

Lister glanced at the others. There were no worse for wear as they rubbed sore spots and got up slowly but surely.

"Where'd it go?" Cat asked, looking around.

Lister motioned with his free hand for the small blob on the floor. "Right there, man," he said quietly.

They stared at the small creature that looked back at them in a daze.

"Now what?" Rimmer demanded.

"Suggest we trap it before it comes to its senses, sir," Kryten said.

Lister considered this for a few minutes. Then he glanced at a disused crate that sat by itself on the floor next to him.

"I think it's moving," Rimmer hissed.

Indeed, the small creature was coming to. It was beginning to ripple, looking like it was getting ready to change again.

Needing no further motivation, he picked up the box and ran over towards the GELF, slamming the box down on top of it.

Rimmer stared. "Yeah, that ought to it. Nice work, Listy."

But Lister held the box down, putting his whole weight on it. "Well, how about _you_ do something?" he demanded.

Rimmer looked at the bazookoid that dangled from his shoulder. He saw it was still on "stun". Shrugging casually, he walked over towards the crate, three sets of eyes following him as he took the mouth of his bazookoid and smashed it through the crate's side, and then pressed the trigger button, resulting in a white glow emitting through the cracks in the crate.

Kryten looked at the Psi-Scan, amazed. "It's stunned, sir. Totally unconscious," he announced.

Everyone stared at Rimmer in amazement.

His face took on a very smug expression. "So, we moving this thing or what?"


	3. Weird Science

Kryten poured over various streams of data in the Science Room. He ran all sorts of diagnostics and checks over the GELF. He was more and more fascinated by what he was discovering. His eyes flitted eagerly across the streams of data that spewed across the screens.

The GELF lay in a slumber, still conked out from it's stun, and it snoozed away peacefully, unaware of the various wires and electrodes that were attached to it's head.

After several hours of scientific conundrums, he was eventually joined by Lister, who strolled into the room with an almost-done cigarette in his mouth.

"So what's the latest, Krytes? Anything new?"

"It's a most intriguing specimen, sir," Kryten replied, going through the volumes of various printer readouts. "It's cellular structure is most bizarre. Clearly it was designed to take it's pursuers by surprise."

"How's that?"

"Well, in it's diminutive form, this creature could lead it's opposing armies into a secluded area. Then, once everyone was sufficiently trapped, it would then change into a huge, otherworldly, horrifying beast that would tear them to shreds!"

"Sounds a bit like Ukrainians."

"Indeed, sir. It's most curious."

"So what do we do with it? Do we just chuck it back into Deep Space and hope it doesn't try getting back in?"

"I very much doubt that would work, sir. The GELFs were designed to never give up. They were given the internal willpowers of soldiers, politicians and telemarketers."

"So it's pretty likely that once it came to, it would double back and try again."

"Precisely, sir."

"So what do we do? I'm not particularly up for opening a GELF petting zoo."

"Well, the GELFs _are _genetically engineered. Perhaps we could use that power to, in a sense, _rehabilitate _it."

"You what?"

"Well, sir, we have the equipment here. If we can update it and reconfigure the software, we should be able to reprogram the GELF's mind."

Lister wasn't so sure. "You sure about that, Krytes? It doesn't seem right to brainwash something against its natural calling."

"Sir, I assure you, this would be for the creature's own good. Think of it's homicidal attacks as smoking. We're simply revitalizing it, improving it even. This could prove very beneficiary in the future."

Lister was about to voice more protests, but he didn't get a chance when the GELF suddenly twitched on the table in it's sleep. This subtle movement caused both man and mech to suddenly leap backwards in terror and hide behind a computer.

After that, nothing else happened, and the beastie ceased movement again.

Lister and Kryten peeked at it unsurely from behind the consoles. Once assured that it was still under sedation, they straightened up and looked at each other.

"On second thought, you might be on to something there," Lister said shakily.

* * *

Five hours later, Kryten was certain he'd gotten everything right.

Naturally, the others were skeptical of this.

They had all gathered in the science lab now, and they were staring at the new device that Kryten and Holly had cobbled together from various bits around the ship. This new creation was towering above them with an almost sinister gleam. Set up next to a bed was a large egg-shaped machine that was hooked up to various computers. It was welded together rather haphazardly, but it looked rather sturdy despite of this.

"Alright, try and explain this to me again," Cat said worriedly.

"Well, to put it plainly, sir, this machine can alter the genetic programming of this creature. We can make it into a docile being that won't actively seek out trouble, but we shall leave it with it's defenses so that it can survive in deep space."

"And how are we gonna tame it?"

"Simply by using these data field testers on it's cerebral-like lobes, we shall send psychic commands through this device that will alter the genetic makeup."

Cat stared at him blankly. "I was with you up until 'these'."

Lister shook his head. "Never mind, Cat, you've got the basics."

"And that's impressive in and of itself," Rimmer remarked.

"Is everything ready, Holly?" Kryten asked.

Holly's head appeared on the screen. "Everything's connected. We can bring the subject in for 're-grooving'."

"Mr Lister, if you would?"

Lister nodded and wheeled a gurney through the room. The minute creature was still sleeping atop it. Once it was in place, Kryten gently applied the electrodes to it's cranium.

"There now," he said. "The next part is to connect it to a living human psyche."

"Why?" Lister asked, looking rather perplexed.

"We need to appeal to it's sense of understanding. If we can let it feel what we feel, then it will understand our fear. It will realize it is pointless to try and destroy us, as we pose no threat to it."

"Okay, so where do we get that?"

"Well, at the risk of sounding redundant, you, sir."

"Me?"

"Yes, sir, we'd hook you up to an extra set of electrodes and you'd effectively feed it you fear."

Lister was already backing away. "But why me? Why not Rimmer? He's a hundred times more afraid than me!"

Rimmer glared at him. "Because you've got an easier head to break into, Dingus," he retorted.

"Smeg off! I'm not doing it!"

"Sir, please, think of the benefit this could bring to the universe! This could finally be the beginning of peace throughout the universe!"

Lister stared at him, disbelieving. "You seriously buy into that? There can't be peace throughout the universe! We'll just find something new to fight about!"

"Then can't we just nip this particular 'wanting to kill humans for fun' malarkey in the bud?" Rimmer asked.

"Yeah, if that problem's solved, then I really don't mind living with all the other non-killing problems, personally," Cat agreed.

Lister stared at them nervously.

"Dave," Holly said, reminding them all he was still here, "we chose you because you yourself are incapable of killing. It's just not part of who you are. You have that strong moral compass. We think you'd be the best candidate to rehabilitate the GELF."

Lister looked at him, surprised. "Really?"

"Plus, you lost the _Ippy-Dippy_, so it all worked out."

"Sir, I assure you that the process is harmless. We've run tests. We're 89% certain it will work."

"And the other 11%?"

"Your head will blow up," Holly said.

"You wha?"

"Er, can I go put on something a bit more rubbery?" Cat asked quickly.

"Sir, please, time is of the essence. You _must _decide!"

Lister stared at the machine fearfully, and then he stared at the creature on the gurney. It looked disturbingly peaceful in it's sleep. Perhaps if this worked, it would _stay_ that way. There own pet GELF. That'd be a first.

Heaving a sigh, he nodded. "Let's do it."

Without any pause, Kryten guided Lister over towards a small metal chair that was located next to the machine. He gently applied the electrodes to Lister's forehead.

"So what do you need me to do?" he asked.

"Just think of how you felt when you were being chased down by the GELF, sir. Think of that raw terror as you fled from it. Remember your desperation to escape it's reach."

"Alright, let's get this over with," Lister said, with a degree of dread in his voice.

Quietly, as an aside, Kryten whispered, "Rubber underpants on standby, sir."

"Booting up the machine," Holly announced.

The machine was already warming up nicely. It hummed electronically, growing steadily louder and louder.

"Well, is it working?" Cat asked.

"Give it time, sir," Kryten assured him.

Lister began to squirm. "Is it too late to change my mind?"

It was, rather.

The machine roared now, and suddenly, Lister felt a stinging sensation in his head. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

"Think of the fear, sir!" Kryten called. "Focus on your terror!"

"It's a bit difficult to think of anything else at the moment!"

Holly noted all the workings going at once. He saw the progress bar.

"We're climbing rapidly," he announced calmly. "Already at forty-five per cent… fifty-two… fifty-nine… sixty-seven… Blimey, it's faster than a racecar's left turn."

Lister could feel the beads of sweat forming on his forehead.

"What's happening?" Cat called out over the noise.

"Mr Lister's fear is being transformed into calculated data," Kryten replied. "It will be recalibrated in the machine, which will turn it into a new set of genetic templates, and those will be relocated to the GELF's genetic structure."

"I was with you up until – "

"Oh, shut up!" Rimmer interrupted, too worried to listen to exposition.

Finally, the whining began to power down, and they were all relieved to see Lister was still looking around nervously, clearly still alive.

"One hundred per cent," Holly announced. "It's recalibrating the fear data now."

Kryten clapped his hands. "Yes!" he cheered.

"So it worked?" Rimmer asked, sounding rather disbelieving.

"Well, the process is only half-completed, sir. Now the fear data must be sent to the GELF."

Cat approached Lister. "Hey, bud, you alright?" he called.

Lister was panting heavily. "Smeg…," he breathed. "I feel like I've just run all the way across S-Deck!"

Rimmer frowned. "But S-Deck is only a eighth of a mile long."

"…Is it?"

"Good news, sir," Kryten said, looking the machine over. "The transfer is taking place."

Lister glanced over at the comatose GELF. He could see it was twitching slightly in its sleep as it received its new genetic codes.

"How long will it take?" Cat asked.

"Hopefully, only a few minutes, sir."

Lister nodded slightly, and then he felt an itch on his nose, so he scratched it.

Strangely enough, the GELF scratched its nose as well.

Everyone stared at it.

"What the hell was that?" Rimmer asked.

"Weird," Lister said, leaning over to get a better look. "Let me try something."

Lister clapped his hands once.

The GELF clapped it's stubby paws together as well.

"Extraordinary!" Kryten exclaimed.

"Do something else!" Cat suggested, grinning at the sight.

Lister thought for a moment, and then clicked his teeth.

The GELF did as well, albeit with a deal more saliva.

Then Lister sharply inhaled. So did the GELF.

He belched. So did the GELF.

"How the hell are you doing that?" Rimmer demanded.

"Dunno… What's happening, Krytes?"

"I'm not altogether sure, sir. Holly, run a diagnostic on the machine, please."

Holly gave a nod and vanished from the screen. He returned moments later, looking pensive. "Interesting…," he mused.

"Well?" Rimmer asked.

"The machine is still downloading the new genetic codes into the GELF, but in order to do this, it's left a link open with Dave's mind so as to solidify the statistics. Right now, Dave and the GELF are mind linked."

"Really? I'm surprised it can keep a good grip."

Lister scowled at him from his chair.

"So what now?" Cat asked.

"Well, sir, the best thing we can do is wait it out," Kryten said. "With any luck, the link should dissipate once the transfer is complete, just so long as nothing goes wrong with the process."

_**BAM!**_

Everyone jumped as a shower of sparks suddenly erupted from the machine.

Cat stared at the spot before glaring disparagingly at Kryten. "You just _had _to say it, didn't you?" he snapped.

_**POW!**_

Another shower of sparks flew through the air.

"What's happening now?" Rimmer demanded.

"Some sort of hang up," Holly said, trying to look at imaginary numbers. "Won't be a tic." And he vanished from the screen.

More sparks were flying, and now smoke was billowing.

"Get me away from this thing!" Lister shouted.

"Why don't you _get up_?" Rimmer demanded.

"I can't! I can't move! I'm completely paralyzed!"

Lister fidgeted, bouncing shortly in his chair.

The GELF bounced shortly as well.

Holly returned to the screen, looking rather worried. "Some sort of system error," he explained. "Probably a bad connection. We'll have to reboot and start over. Most of the data will have been lost."

Rimmer stared at him. "That is the first time you've _ever _sounded like a normal computer."

"Why can't I _move_?" Lister insisted.

"It's the system. It's locking onto your respective minds. It's… Oh dear."

Nobody had time to ask what was happening now, because what was happening now was clearly already happening.

Lister's face suddenly screwed up as he felt himself receiving something.

The GELF's eyes burst open suddenly, and it let out a shriek.

The machine boomed and banged loudly, more sparks and smoke pouring from it.

"Somebody _do _something!" Rimmer shouted, sticking his fingers in his ears.

"We need to shut down the machine!" Kryten wailed. "I can't reach the controls through all this sparkage."

"I can't do it either," Holly said. "It's locked me out."

"What do we do? _What do we do_?"

Everyone was looking around frantically, trying to find something that would halt the process.

Then the Cat had an idea.

Shocking, yes?

"Hang on!" he shouted, fleeing the room.

"Where the hell are you going?" Rimmer demanded.

But the Cat was gone.

"Get me out of here!" Lister shouted.

Kryten and Rimmer tried to get closer to him, but suddenly, the pressure built up inside the machine, and right across their path, some of the bolts that were holding it together were fired like bullets through the air, straight in front of them, releasing a huge cloud of steam in front of them.

"What the hell…?" Rimmer asked.

"Shrapnel, sir! Get down!" Kryten ordered.

Rimmer and Kryten dropped to the ground just in time. The screws had been fired with such power that they were, like bullets, ricocheting all around the room in various directions, knocking things over and shattering glass.

Lister sat fearfully in his chair as they whizzed past him.

Rimmer and Kryten brought their heads up, looking around the room, which was fast filling with smoke, listening to the screws.

"You know, when I was planning out my day this morning, I was sort of envisioning myself reviewing porous circuits right now," Rimmer remarked thoughtfully.

Then they heard hurried footsteps coming up the corridor, and they looked back over their shoulders and saw the Cat running back into the room. He was holding something in his hands.

"What the smeg are you doing with my guitar?" Lister shouted.

"Putting it to good use at last, bud!" Cat replied, with a grin on his face.

Using it as a shield to protect himself from the ricocheting screws, he managed to bring the guitar to the machine. And then the Cat carried out his plan. He held the guitar by the tip of it's neck, brought high up over his head, and then, as if it were a clown's sledgehammer, he brought down into the machine, slicing a great big hole in it.

_**KABLAM!**_

Smoke and sparks flew everywhere, and then, over the course of the following ten seconds, all the noise and movement finally ceased.

It was _really_ quiet for a few moments.

Lister slowly opened his eyes.

Rimmer and Kryten brought their heads up and looked.

There was the Cat, standing there in an Action Man pose, grinning away like Nancy Reagan.

"And the hair _still_ looks _great_," he said proudly.

Slowly, everyone began to get up.

Lister staggered back to his feet, staring at the destroyed machine.

"Sir, you can walk again!" Kryten exclaimed, hurrying over to see if he was alright.

"My guitar…," Lister murmured.

"Are you okay?" Rimmer asked.

"My _guitar_…"

"Sir, are you okay?"

"Yeah, bud, where's my 'thank you'?"

"_My guitar_…"

"Lister, really, all this over – "

"My _guitar_, Rimmer, my _guitar_!"

"Yes, your guitar, and you're alive, did I mention?"

"The GELF!" Kryten exclaimed. "What's happened to the GELF?"

"My smegging guitar…"

While Lister grieved for his now-charred musical torture device, the others looked at the gurney.

"How the hell could you do this, man? How could you save my life like that? What, there weren't any heavy spanners you could've thrown?"

"Sir, the GELF is awake now."

"Eh?"

Lister followed the others gaze towards the creature.

It was slowly waking up.

"Oh."

The GELF blinked heavily, it's large black eyes flitting across the room.

"What do we do?" Rimmer asked nervously.

"Suggest we find something to defend ourselves with, sirs," Kryten said.

"Like what?" Lister asked.

Cat, keeping his eyes on the creature, slowly reached over and grabbed the blackened head of Lister's guitar, pulling it out of the wreckage.

"Put it _down_," Lister growled through his teeth.

Annoyed, the Cat did so.

But the creature was fully awake now. It was staring at them with those large eyes, almost innocently.

In fact, it _was _rather innocent.

"What's it doing?" Rimmer asked.

"Curious. Cat, are you by any chance picking up any danger from the GELF?"

Cat glanced at him but took a good sniff of the air anyway. He inhaled very deeply, getting a good whiff of the creature.

"He doesn't _smell_ threatening," he said at last. "I don't think he's gonna kill us!"

Lister stared. "What, you mean it worked?" he asked.

"Only one way to find out," Kryten said. "Sir, suggest you attempt to _pet _it."

"You what?"

"If it doesn't rip your limbs off and spit on them, I would take that as a sign that it's harmless."

"Why don't _you_ smegging pet it? You've got spares!"

"Sir, you're a human: a GELF's most hated enemy. If it allows you to show affection for it, then it will not give you harm."

Lister gulped nervously. "Okay, I'll try it…"

Inching forward uncertainly, he reached out towards the GELF. The tiny little creature sniffed at his fingertips uncertainly, and then turned away, making a noticeable sound of disgust.

"Maybe you need to wash your hands first," Rimmer suggested.

Lister ignored him and put his flattened hand out on top of the creature's head and gently patted it. The creature responded by nuzzling up against his hand and leaning into it. Motivated, he then began scratching behind its ears. The creature seemed to respond positively to this and nuzzled again, almost catlike.

"Hey, I think we did it!" Lister said, grinning triumphantly. "We tamed a GELF!"

They all allowed this to sink in for a moment.

At last, it was Rimmer who broke the silence. "I honestly don't know which surprises me most: cultivating a GELF or that the Cat had a good idea for once."

Cat grinned.


	4. The Late Late Show

That night, the crew were preparing for bedtime.

Lister and Kryten stood over the GELF, which was eating some kibble from a bowl.

"It's actually rather cute when it's small," he remarked.

"Indeed, sir, it's like a nice little baby trilobite," Kryten agreed.

"So what'll we do now?"

"Well, we'll nourish for tonight, and then tomorrow we'll let it out in Deep Space again."

"You think he'll be alright?"

"Oh, I should think so, sir. He's survived this long. The only thing we altered about him was his tolerance for humanity. He'll be quite alright."

"Shame, though. It'd be nice to have a proper pet around here. We could've named him and everything."

"Well, there's no harm in that, sir. If anything, it'll tie up this adventure rather nicely. To think: a GELF adventure that didn't end with us covered in glop, becoming emotional retards or gaining in-laws."

"Hmmm… Wonder what I should name him then? I mean, I've already had twins, and I already named them Jim and Bexley after Jim Bexley Speed…"

Lister stood and pondered for a moment, staring at the little creature still nibbling away. Then he grinned.

"How about Speed then?" he suggested. "He's rather fast, so it fits."

"Excellent work, sir: a name that is only 25 percent 'half-arsed'."

"Brutal." Lister leaned forward and stroked the GELF across the back. "G'night then, Speed."

Speed looked up at the name.

Lister stared back at him for a moment. "Speed?" he asked.

Now Speed was giving him his full attention, turning away from the bowl.

"Extraordinary!" Kryten exclaimed. "He seems to recognize the name."

"Hey, hey! C'mere, Speed! Come to Lister," and he clicked his fingers and held out his hands.

Speed perked up and leapt into Lister's hands, as if he were a cat. He snuggled in the human's arms and allowed him to scratch him behind the ears.

"How's he know I'm talking to him?" Lister asked.

"It must've been a part of the process, sir. It's made him as subservient as a high school prissy boy."

"Nice. Okay, Speed, go on back. Finish your din-din and then off to bed."

Speed promptly leapt from Lister's arms and landed back on the table, and he quickly resumed eating his supper.

"Man, Krytes, I tell you, if Westminster had a GELF division, he'd be first prize."

Content with a day's work, Lister and Kryten left the room behind and shut the door behind them.

Speed continued eating his supper, and when he was done, he got up, stretched a bit, and headed for his makeshift bed on the other end of the table. It was made up of a set of Kryten's old dishrags and a pair of earmuffs the Cat didn't want anymore. He snuggled into the nest and contentedly began to drop off.

As he did, however, he twitched involuntarily, and then began to do something rather peculiar indeed.

He was biting his hind leg's claws…

* * *

Rimmer had changed into his pajamas by now and was busily putting away his binders for the night. He was exhausted after a busy day and needed a rest.

The doors slid open and Lister strolled tiredly inside. He slid out of his leather jacket and slung it over the handlebars of the motorbike. He kicked his boots off under the bunks and strolled towards the closet.

"Well, what a day, eh, man?" he asked with a sigh.

"Yes, nothing like three near-death experiences to pass the time," Rimmer remarked amiably. "I tell you, if it weren't for those little perks, I'd have given up on this new way of living _years _ago."

"Ahh, come on, it keeps things interesting."

"Indeed, it does. Nice to know I'll never have to worry about being bored while I'm busily fleeing for my life."

Lister just grinned sleepily as he put his boots away and started to strip down to his T-shirt and boxer shorts. "Well, I'm pooped. Off to bed for me."

"You feeling alright, by the way?"

"Eh?"

"Well, you just had your brain attached to a GELF's. Not feeling any side effects, are you?"

"I'm fine. Just _really_ worn out."

Rimmer glanced at him in the mirror he was getting ready to brush his teeth in front of before shrugging. "I suppose it's no surprise. You've been on drinking benders that have probably done more damage than that."

Lister went to retort, but then he had to concede that he probably had a point, so he climbed up into his bunk and started to get comfortable.

Rimmer finished his teeth brushing and spat it down the drain. "Right, well, if the day's just about over, I'll just turn in then."

"Mmmm…"

Once they were both situated in their respective bunks, they began to doze off.

"Lights," Rimmer ordered, and the lights dimmed down to a more fluorescent glow.

The two of them rather liked this new room of theirs, especially in the dark. With only the lights flashing on the table to look at for awhile, they eventually nodded off and fell asleep.

* * *

Kryten and the Cat were in the laundry room doing up some of Cat's outfits. Cat had them on a long rack and he was just waiting for the last one to be handed to him.

After what had felt like an eternity, Kryten finished ironing the last suit and put it on a hanger, passing it off to Cat, who eagerly hung it up on the rack.

"There, I believe that should do it, sir."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Solid work, Melted Ice Cream Head! You are a _magician _with your iron!"

Kryten shuffled modestly. "Oh, well, sir, I really don't know – "

"Well, I gotta get going! I gotta put these away and then get me some shut eye! Later, bud!"

And singing and dancing to himself, Cat slunk off with the rack out of the room and down the corridor.

Kryten put his ironing equipment away in the nearby broom cupboard and set to work cleaning up a little bit before he himself went on his nightly ten-hour downtime.

Holly appeared on the screen, looking sleepy and wearing a darling nightcap. "Everything shipshape, Kryten?" he asked.

"Oh yes, Holly, everything is fine. I just need to scrub the custard that Mr Lister spilled down the side of the washing machine last week."

"Custard stains down the washing machine?"

"Oh yes, he was enjoying his dessert while we were discussing the latest happenings onboard when the machine went a bit off-kilter for a moment and he dropped it all down the side. I've just about removed the ice cream and chocolate sauce. Just need to get to the custard and it'll be good as new."

"Well, I'm going offline for the night. Switching to automatics."

"Very well. Goodnight, Holly."

Holly vanished from the screen.

Kryten got out his sponge and promptly set to work at scrubbing along the sides of the washing machine.

* * *

Lister snored loudly in his bunk. It was a snore that could've been used as a Tornado Alert System. It was a snore that could've detonated buildings. It was a snore that could've gone alongside Ozzy Osbourne when he sang "Crazy Train".

It was a snore that was always annoying Rimmer as well.

Even if his bunkmate was already asleep, Rimmer would still be plagued by that wretched noise in his dreams. Three nights in a row now, the poor man had dreamed he was being attacked by a herd of living, snarling jackhammers, all chasing after him through a construction sight.

Well, his subconscious wasn't going to settle for that again. Working hard, within the depths of his dreamland, Rimmer managed to, in his sleep, wrap his pillow around his head, cushioning his ears, and thereby blocking the offensive sound out. A contented smile spread across his face, and he managed to move on to a new dream about a certain Miss Fiona Barrington, and not a trace of warm compost to be found…

But Lister continued to snore, louder and louder, and then louder still…

* * *

The Cat had put away all his suits for the night and locked them up nice and safe in one of his many, many closets.

"Right, you all rest up, my beauties," he said with a content smile. "Now then, let's get our snooze on."

Cat climbed up into a nearby cubbyhole, deciding it would do for the night, and he got himself settled inside. He pulled a blanket around himself and got nice and cozy. He took a good sniff of the air, making sure all was well, and once assured he put his head down on his travel pillow and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Kryten completed scrubbing what he could for the night, and put his sponges in a nearby sink. Content for now, he resolved to finish in the morning. He pulled out a metal folding chair and sat down on it. He reached into a rear compartment and pulled out a length of curled wire. He attached one end to his ear, and then another to a nearby socket. He set up the recharging utilities, and once assured it was working, he went into downtime.

Everyone onboard was asleep.

* * *

The only ones who weren't asleep were the Skutters. They were up late again, playing their games as per usual. One skutter went scooting across the floor, holding a bow and arrow in it's claws, and a headband of colored feathers wrapped around it's head. It revved it's engine in a whooping noise and vanished around the corner.

Another skutter soon followed after. This one was wearing a cowboy hat and held a toy pistol in it's grasp. It revved it's own engine as if it was yelling "yee-haw!" It tore after the other one, firing potshots at it.

The two were having a grand old time, playing their games and whatnot.

But then they both heard a noise coming from down the corridor. It sounded like footsteps.

They both halted in their tracks and looked. There was nothing there.

Shrugging, they resumed their games, revving their engines and firing at each other. They were just about to round a corner away from the corridor when they heard another noise.

It was like a snort. Almost like someone with a clogged nose.

They stopped again, looked at each other warily, and then they doubled back around to look down the corridor. They cautiously rolled along the cold metal floor, trying to see into the darkness.

At this particular moment, _Red Dwarf _was passing a sun, and it was allowing a nice bit of white light to pour through the large windows and into the corridor. The pair of skutters rolled into the light, looking ahead unsurely, almost not wanting to continue out of the light.

And then they could see something approaching them. It's silhouetted form was stalking towards them, it's heavy footsteps thudding on the floor, causing the two skutters to be tossed higher into the air as it grew nearer.

They stared at it as it came into the light. A huge GELF with all the physical attractiveness of Yul Brynner's lungs was looming over them, looking all the more terrifying in the white light. It opened it's mouth and revealed three hideous rows of sharp teeth, with at least 2.6 gallons of drool coming off of them.

The skutters backed away in terror. They tried to ward it off with the toy gun, but the shots merely ricocheted of it's armor-plated chest. They tried the bow and arrow, but the even though this did impale the creature's chest, it simply pulled it back out as if it were a thorn.

Then it growled menacingly at them.

Realizing they were in trouble, the skutters turned and attempted to flee. But the GELF savagely pushed them aside, slamming them into opposite walls, where they smashed hard, sending their bits everywhere.

The creature bounded past them and tore down the corridor, back into the darkness…


	5. Don't Know How, Don't Know When

The next morning, Rimmer slowly began to wake up. He smacked his tongue around a bit, tasting that morning saliva with disgust. He rolled over and reached around the outside for a bin, and promptly spat it out. With that over with, he promptly began to get out of bed.

Feeling the cold metal floor on his bare feet made him hiss involuntarily, and he began to search for his slippers. He was rather confused as he fumbled around with his eyes closed, probing for them, as they weren't in their usual position right under his bunk. He forced his eyes open and looked a bit more clearly.

And then he saw one of them had ended up in his chair. He padded over to it and picked it up, making a mental note to find a rug in the ship's shops. Something that would be warm in the morning.

But then he realized. Why was one of his slippers all the way over here? And where was the other one? He always put them in the same place every morning so he could find them easily.

Had Lister moved them as a joke? He glanced at his bunkmate and saw him sound asleep in his own bunk, absently sucking his thumb. Rimmer rolled his eyes. No, his crewmate was pretty out of it. Not much a chance of that. Perhaps it had been the Cat.

But as he looked around some more, he saw a few other things that weren't quite right. For a start, he could see that the motorbike was now tipped over, and the jacket that had been hanging from it's handlebars was further away from it than it probably should've been.

Personally impressed with his deductive skills for such an early hour, Rimmer came to the conclusion that someone _had _come into their room and moved their things around. Someone clumsy by the look of it. That ruled out the Cat and Kryten right there. Cat was too graceful, and Kryten had night vision. One of the skutters then?

As he absently put his one slipper on, he heard the sound of Lister slowly waking up.

"Ooh, man…," he mumbled.

"Morning, Listy," Rimmer said loudly. "Sleep well?"

"Oh, that was a beauty… Never wanted to wake up…"

"Well, come on, then. Start of a new day. Busy, busy, busy, meladdo."

"Eugh, don't give me that smeg, man… I just got up."

But Rimmer was all business this morning. "Sorry, Listy, fella-me-boy-o, but we've had an incident during the night."

"Oh? You have another nightmare?"

Rimmer glared. "No, not _that _sort of incident, you goit. Take a look at your motorbike."

Lister sleepily glanced over at the fallen motorbike. "What about it? That's not the first time the kickstand's failed."

"Lister, look at which side it's fallen on. If the kickstand failed, then it would've fallen on it's left side. It's fallen on it's right."

Lister looked confused, but then as he looked a bit more closely, he saw that Rimmer was right. The kickstand pointed right up in the air, clearly in the down position.

"Smeg…," he remarked.

"And look at your leather jacket: it's too far away from the bike. Not to mention one of my slippers is missing."

Lister contemplated this. "What does this all mean?"

"Well, it's either that our belongings are secretly alive and like to throw wild parties while we sleep, or someone was in here and knocked them down."

"Who could've done that?"

Just then, the screen flickered and Holly appeared on the screen. "Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going," he droned.

"What's up, Hol?" Lister asked.

"I'm not altogether certain, Dave, but it seems as though we've had a bit of a break-in."

"No kidding, Whiz Kid," Rimmer snorted, gesturing around the room.

Holly glanced at the tipped bike and whatnot. "Oh, he struck here too, eh? Right then, meeting in the Drive Room. I'll meet you there." And he vanished from the screen.

Lister and Rimmer glanced at each other and started getting dressed.

"I still can't find that other slipper…"

"Forget it, man. I think we have other things to worry about."

"It's going to be bothering me all day. I just know it."

* * *

They arrived in the Drive Room a half hour later. They were surprised to find the Cat sitting at the table, weeping uncontrollably while Kryten attempted to console him, gently rocking him back and forth and whispering reassurances in his ears.

"There, there, sir, it'll all be alright…"

"He was so young! How could anyone have wanted to harm him?"

"Only a cold, unfeeling beast, sir," Kryten said calmly.

Lister felt nervous. "What happened? Is he okay?" he asked.

"No! No, as a matter of fact, I'm _not _okay! How can I be okay after what's happened?" Cat wailed angrily.

"What's happened, though?" Rimmer asked urgently.

"Whoever came here last night, sir," Kryten explained, "it got to one of Mr Cat's suits."

Lister and Rimmer looked at each other and sighed heavily, both relieved and annoyed.

"So that's it? One of your thousands of suits got ripped up?"

"Not just ripped up, man, it was _shredded_!"

"It's true, sir, it looked worse than a White House document."

"It was the smoking hot red number. The one with the waistcoat and fur-lining, my beauty! I'd only made it a month ago. I only got to wear it seventy-eight times!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes at this trivial matter and steered the conversation in a different direction. "Was anything else damaged? Anything stolen?"

"Nothing missing so far, sir," Kryten replied. "Just bits of damage littered around the ship. One of the vending machines was damaged, there are some nasty scratches on the walls on G-Deck, and the area above Y-Deck is about as flimsy as an episode of Babylon 5."

"Smeg…," Lister mumbled.

Cat was still crying. "I just don't understand it. I locked the doors and everything. There's no way that thing could've gotten in! It must've had super-strength or something!"

Then Lister had a thought. "What about Speed? Has anyone checked on him?"

Everyone glanced at each other thoughtfully.

"Er…no, sir, we haven't."

"You don't suppose that the GELF did this, do you?" Rimmer asked slowly.

"What, Speed? You think he tore the ship up?" Lister asked.

Cat was on his feet in an instant, a savage expression his face. "Where is he?" he demanded with a low growl. "If he's the sucker who messed with my suits, you can _bet _he's going _down_!"

"But it couldn't have been Speed," Lister objected. "Remember last night, Krytes? He was about as dangerous as a pet hamster."

"Indeed, sir, but it could be entirely possible that the operation didn't hold. He could've regressed last night."

"You think?"

"So what do we do now?" Rimmer asked.

They all looked at each other unsurely.

Finally, Lister glanced at Holly, who was watching from his giant screen. "Holly, where's Speed right now?"

"He's in his room, Dave. He's sleeping in his cute little bed."

"I want those earmuffs back," Cat snapped bitterly.

"Punch it up."

Holly's visage was replaced with an image of the closet they'd left Speed in. He was comfortably sleeping in his wee little bed, snoring away. Of course, it wasn't a cute soft snore. It was a loud snore. It was a bit like a wild herd of chainsaws stampeding through a rainforest.

Rimmer thought it sounded familiar, but didn't think much of it.

"It doesn't look like he's been anywhere," Lister remarked.

Indeed, the room looked like nothing had been touched. It was all just as they'd left it the previous night.

"Curious," Kryten said. "Regardless, sir, I think it might be best if we carried out our plans. It might be best that we let Speed out into the wild, where he belongs."

Lister sighed sadly. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Come on, guys, let's get going."

And they followed him to the lift to go to the closet.

* * *

A few hours later, they all stood in front of an airlock.

Lister was carrying Speed in his arms. The little GELF was looking around curiously, surveying the area vigilantly.

Kryten was standing near the door on the airlock, already pressing the buttons on the keypad, preparing it for Speed's departure. Rimmer and the Cat were both too wary to get too close, so they kept their distance by standing on the far side of the corridor.

At last, with a hiss and a clank, the airlock doors slid open and welcomed them.

"Alright, Speed, here we are," Lister said quietly, looking at him sadly. "Sorry it didn't work out, man. Thanks for not eating me all the way down here."

Speed just looked back at him oddly.

"You see in there? That thing is going to take you back to Deep Space, where you can frolic and play for the rest of your life. Just be careful, okay?"

Speed just blinked back at him, and that one little gesture seemed to have so much more meaning to Lister.

"Why aren't you killing me?" he asked.

"Lister, _come on_," Rimmer hissed. "Don't make this a Brady Bunch episode. Just send him on his way."

Lister sighed. "Right then, Speed, off we go." He approached the waiting airlock and set him down inside. Speed looked at him for a moment, and then glanced around the new room.

"Okay Kryten, let him go."

"Right away, sir," Kryten replied, punching in the code to close the airlock doors.

As they slowly closed, taking Speed inside, Lister looked fondly at him.

"I'll see yeh, kiddeh," he said with a wink.

And then, just as the doors were closing, he managed to catch sight of Speed winking back at him, much to his surprise.

Speed looked around, wondering what would happen next, and then he saw it. The other door was opening, and it was showing the vast emptiness of deep space. Suddenly filled with excitement, he allowed himself to be sucked out the airlock and flew gleefully into space, jetting on forwards, flying majestic loops as it went.

The _Dwarfers _watched from the big glass window, watching with interest as the little critter zoomed away.

"Smeg…," Lister sighed, looking a little gloomy.

Kryten patted him on the back. "You've done the right thing, sir," he said assuringly. "Look how happy he is."

"Yeah," Cat said. "And just think how much safer my suits are now that that little hulk is gone. That oughta cheer you up!"

Lister rolled his eyes. "Come on, guys. Let's get some lunch, yeah? I'm famished."

"Right away, sir. I'll whip you up a nice chicken vindaloo to make you feel better."

"With extra Tabasco sauce?"

"And a glass of chilled madras sauce to wash it all down."

"Aw, cheers, man. That'll perk me right up."

Rimmer and Cat grimaced but followed anyway.


	6. Carry On

The _Dwarfers _rarely did anything together these days, but they decided that lunch would be a good group activity for the day. They all sat down in the old dining room up in the Officer's Deck, the one that was specially reserved for the Captain and his selected few. It just felt so much more right that they were sitting on fine leather chairs and not barstools, and that they didn't need to pay up at least fifty credits apiece to sit there at some point seven months from now due to the waiting list.

They all sat at their chairs and chatted idly while they waited for Kryten to bring them their meals. Lister was a little quieter than usual. In the natural order of things, he was usually the loudest of all, regaling them with tales about his old exploits back on Earth, talking about waking up with a brass bar railing in his bed, or the time he and his mates all crammed into a Porta-John and accidentally rolled down a hill in it.

So naturally Rimmer and the Cat were thankful for his new silence.

Lister felt a little depressed right now. After Kochanski's death, he'd been half-hoping in a silly sort of way that Speed would be staying on with them. It'd be a pretty big space to fill, but he'd have been happy for the company. But now Speed was gone, and it was just another person (sort of) who had left him.

He glanced absently at Rimmer and the Cat. Rimmer was trying to keep the feline interested in another of his RISK stories, but Cat's attention was far more into the bread rolls he was trying to juggle. Lister smiled. Something about that monotony assured him.

But then he felt a tightness in his middle and realized he was still starving. He took a sniff of the air and was relieved to smell his chicken vindaloo on it's way.

"Hey, Kryters, you took your time!" he called out to the doorway. "Did you raise the chicken yourself first?"

Rimmer and Cat glanced at the door, expecting to see Kryten come through with their lunch, but they were both befuddled to find that there was no sign of the mechanoid or any meals. They waited five seconds, but there was no sign of him.

Lister was a little concerned as well. "You alright in there, man?" he called out again.

This time, they were pleased to hear the sound of wheels squeaking as Kryten wheeled in a trolley with dishes on it. "Everything okay in here, sirs?" he asked.

"Something happen back there, man? You took awhile to get up here. What'd you do, stand behind the doorway to mess with us?"

Kryten looked surprised. "Er…no, sir, I didn't. I went as fast as I could up the corridor, but it's a bit of a long walk from the kitchen."

"I've just smelled the food right at the doorway for the past ten seconds."

"But I've only just gotten here, sir."

"He's right, bud," Cat put in. "I could smell him from all the way down there."

Lister scrunched up his nose in confusion, but shrugged it off. "Never mind then. Let's have lunch now," he said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.

"Ah, yes, sir, your chicken vindaloo," Kryten said, picking up a plate and setting it down in front of him.

"Yeees!"

Lister promptly began to eat up his meal.

Kryten passed Rimmer and the Cat their meals as well, and they all began to start eating. "Everything to your satisfaction, sirs?"

"Mmm-_mmm_! Bud, they should name this taste after _me_, it's that good!"

"Not bad, Kryten," Rimmer added between forkfuls. "Not bad at all."

But Lister's chewing slowed a bit as he rolled his first bite around in his mouth a bit, as if contemplating it.

"Everything okay, sir?"

"I dunno… It's like…it's _missing _something."

"A health warning from the Surgeon General?" Rimmer suggested.

"No, no… Kryten, let me see your condiments tray."

Kryten wheeled the trolley back over to him and pulled out the tray that had various little bottles on it. Amongst them were ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, etc. Lister scrolled through them until he found one that looked best.

"Here we go," he said, plucking it out and turning it upside-down, dousing his vindaloo from top to bottom with it.

Rimmer stared at the bottle. "Barbecue sauce?"

"Why not? Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

"How about, nothing ventured, nothing thrown up all over the table?"

But Lister put the bottle away and took another bite of his meal. As he mushed it around his two remaining taste buds, a small grin formed on his mouth. "Yeah, _now _we're talking," he said with relish.

Cat looked at him with the utmost repulsion. "Man, just when I think you can't _possibly _top yourself, you disgust me in a new and original way."

Lister just grinned and wolfed it down.

* * *

Later that night, Lister was reclining in a chair in the sleeping quarters. He had his feet up on the table, careful not to break any of the buttons, although his heel was atop the 'A' key on a keyboard, and a stream of the first letter of the alphabet screamed across a screen he wasn't looking at.

His attention was instead focused on the giant window at overlooked deep space. A part of him was hoping that Speed would go racing past at any moment, waiting to be brought back on board. Lister wasn't sure why, but something in the back of his mind was telling him that it hadn't been the little GELF who had trashed the ship last night. It just didn't seem right. He'd actually grown fond of the little fella. Served him right. Never love anyone. They just leave in the end.

And then he realized he was probably spending too much time listening to Rimmer's tiresome monologues about why his life was smeg.

Speak of the smeghead, Rimmer came strolling into the room through the sliding doors, which he voice-activated to close behind him. He was whistling rather too chirpily for Lister's liking as he headed for the closet to remove his uniform.

"What are _you _so cheery about?" Lister wanted to know.

"Well, isn't it nice to know that everything around here is getting back to normal?" Rimmer replied as he undid his tie.

"Over the years, I think I've had to completely redefine what qualifies as 'normal' about sixty-eight times, man. I'm considering retiring the term entirely."

Rimmer shrugged as he set to removing his belt. "Well, thankfully the little blighter is back where he belongs, out in Deep Space, preferably to frighten the living daylights out of some other pathetic excuse for a crew."

"Yeah, I suppose…"

"Oh, come on, don't tell me you _miss_ that little fireplug. He was an accident waiting to happen. We're lucky to have gotten rid of him when we did, before somebody got hurt."

"I dunno, man, there's just something about this that just doesn't wash. Why is it he went mad only while we were all asleep? Why did he come in here, knock my bike over and yet leave us both alive? I'm telling you, something just ain't right about all this."

"Lister?"

"What?"

"Are you eating mincemeat straight from the jar?"

Lister looked down in surprise and found that there was, indeed, a jar of mincemeat in his hands. He stared at it as if it were a two-headed yak before taking another finger through it and eating it. "I tell ya, it ain't bad."

"Oh dear lord…"

"No, really, it's actually good! I'm surprised I haven't had any before now."

"But you did, don't you remember?"

Lister paused. He wasn't always the first to admit he had a bad memory. He was constantly finding those "Have You Got a Good Memory?" quizzes laying around, all filled out and demanding to know who had done them, only to be reminded he'd done them a week before himself. He tried to dig up this particular bit of memory, but Rimmer readily supplied it.

"Two years ago," he said, "we were cleaning out that refrigeration unit that had packed in, and you were trying all the different foods that were handed to you to see which ones could be used for sandwiches, and the rest would be thrown out. You took one bite of the mincemeat and made a face that could only be described as similar to a Lutheran's childhood photographs."

"Ohh… Yeah, I did… Oh well, it was probably a bad batch. This stuff ain't bad."

Rimmer was already halfway into his pajamas as he nodded absently. "Yeah… Speaking of which, you haven't found that other slipper yet have you?"

Lister groaned. "Oh, come on, you're still not bleating about that, are ye?"

"It's _my _slipper, Lister! I'm entitled to be concerned for it's whereabouts! Suppose your little Speedy Gonzales gobbled it up while he was in here? I'll spend the rest of my life looking around for it, checking under chairs and desks, and all the time, he'll be digesting it and then depositing it somewhere."

"Why don't you just go and get a new pair from the ship's shopping mall? No one's gonna charge you for it."

"Because I've still got _one good slipper left_! If he had eaten _both _slippers last night, fine, I'd accept it and get a new pair, but I've still got the one! It wouldn't be right!"

"Ohh, I can't take this anymore. I'm going to bed," Lister sighed tiredly. He kicked off his boots, slid out of his jacket, tossing it neatly on the motorbike (which didn't tip over) and leapt up into his bunk, snuggling under the blankets contentedly.

Rimmer glared at him. "Fine, that's it, just ignore my little problems," he sneered. "Now I'll have to spend my mornings hopping around on foot."

But Lister didn't respond, save for him getting deeper into the depths of his blankets.

Rimmer gave up and continued with his pajamas, and soon he was heading into his own bunk. He slid into it on his stomach and lay there for a moment. "Lights," he ordered, and the room dimmed into darkness. Finally feeling himself relax, he rolled over onto his back, got under the blankets and got nice and cozy.

"Goodnight," he said quietly, pleased to find himself already slipping away into the beauty that is sleep.

"Mmmm," Lister mumbled back, rolling over a bit. He couldn't quite get comfortable. His mattress felt a bit more lumpy than usual. It seemed there was something right under his back that wouldn't quite shift. Thankfully, it didn't keep him from nodding off eventually, and soon he found himself in the arms of the woman of his dreams.

And soon, everyone else on board was asleep as well.

* * *

Late into the night, the Cat was snuggled up on top of some computer monitors, trying to get some decent sleep. He was still a little on edge about a creature coming while he dozed and destroying another one of his suits, but he had managed to reassure himself there were no such dangers since Speed was gone. He rolled over in tonight's nightclothes, sprawling out on his side, his limbs splayed about.

Then there was a sound.

And then, 2.3 milliseconds later, the Cat was awake again.

The sound was very distant, but his ears rarely failed him. He knew there had to be _something _lurking somewhere around here for there to have been such a noise.

He decided to wait a little while longer to see if the noise happened again.

And indeed it did. It was a very distant sound. It was as if something had been knocked over.

"Hmmm…" he said in a hushed voice. "Looks I've got some investigating to do. Come on, nose, lead me to the beastie that's making that racket."

The Cat leapt down from the computers, tucked and rolled up to the doorway, rose to his feet and swaggered off down the corridor.

Then he heard the noise again. His head turned to where it had come from. "Smells like the monkey's gone out for a midnight snack," he said, sniffing at the air coming from that direction. "Better go see if he needs any help with it."

And with a grin on his face, he set off for the kitchens. He jerked and swayed as he sang to himself, his own personal theme song.

Ten minutes later, he finally arrived at his destination. He could just make out the kitchen doorways just down the corridor. Grinning again, he swaggered off towards it.

"Hey, hey, monkey boy!" he called out. "You making sandwiches again? Better break out the tuna, 'cause this cat is _hungry_! Aough!"

Ignoring the lack of response, he bounded for the doorway, but as he stepped inside, he couldn't help but notice something the corner of the room. Curious, he leaned in a little closer, taking a better look at the huddled mass shivering in the crook.

It was a pair of Skutters, both looking up at him, shaking gently.

"Oh, hey there, buds," Cat said pleasantly. "You seen ol' Dormouse Cheeks around here?"

But the Skutters were still shaking. It was almost as if they were shivering. Their engines whined softly.

Cat himself felt a bit of concern as well. Was it just him or did they actually seem to be afraid of something? What could make the Skutters nervous? He sniffed the air, trying to determine what the problem was. He followed around the corner towards the refrigeration unit.

"Hey, monkey, is that you? It sure as hell _smells _like you!"

He leaned forwards and looked into the kitchen, and there was the refrigeration unit. It's door was open and obscuring the figure who was hunched over and looking around inside. Whoever it was, it sounded like they were eating something.

The Cat grinned. "Hey, buddy! Don't hog it all! Save a little for the kitty, huh?"

But the figure just ignored him and kept up.

Annoyed by this, the Cat stormed forward. "Hey, bud, listen up! I'm _hungry_! Now either clear out of there, or I'm gonna have to get all Black Panther on your ass!"

The response was a crystal clear and very disgusting belch.

Cat waved a hand in front of his nose. "Oh, phoo-_wee_! I did _not _need that! Okay, you asked for it." And he took a karate stance and promptly kicked the door on the fridge, knocking whoever was on the side onto their side, and they fell with a yelp.

Cat held his pose for another two seconds before reverting to a pose of vast superiority, his hands on his lapels and his head held high.

"Do _not _mess with a cat's appetite," he said firmly.

Whoever it was slowly began to regain his senses. He staggered up right, moaning softly. Cat couldn't help but notice that whoever it was, he was much taller than anyone else on board. And he seemed a great deal hairier than any of the others.

"Bud?" he asked, now feeling his confidence wavering. "You okay?"

Now the creature had reached it's full height, and it turned around to face him. It was a GELF that was uglier than road kill, and it did indeed look like a truck _had_ hit it, repeatedly, and it had been ugly enough to begin with. It towered over him, glaring down with its soulless black eyes. But what stood out the most was the raw steak that was hanging out its mouth, half-eaten.

"Man," Cat mumbled, looking rather stunned by this development. "Oh _man_."

The GELF growled at him, baring its teeth threateningly.

Cat swallowed heavily and backed away. "Yeah, okay, on second thought, I've lost my appetite. You finish up and I'll just be on my way. We cool?"

The GELF growled again, louder this time, and it was starting to lean forwards toward him.

"Yeah, right, okay, I'm just gonna…," but he just couldn't continue anymore, and he promptly turned and fled the room.

He listened behind himself as the creature began to chase after him. He slammed his hand on the door control and leapt through the closing doors, listening to them lock behind him, and as he was just getting to being halfway away from them, he heard the metal practically exploding against the adjacent wall as it burst into the corridor behind him.

"Buds! Buds!" he shouted. "Best-looking guy in the ship is in danger! _He-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-lp!_"

Cat raced along the hallway, spying the service lift just ahead. Feeling the breath of the creature growing heavier on the back of his neck, he bounded ahead, putting a little more giddy-up in his sprints. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of his heavier combs. He aimed it at the door button and fired it like a dart. It sailed through the air and met its target, causing it to light up, and by the time he had gotten to the doors, they were already open. He reached backwards and snatched the comb back up and slammed his fist into a random control button, and looked back just in time to see the doors close in the GELF's face.

Gasping and panting, the Cat re-pocketed his beloved comb and sunk into a chair, relieved to hear the sound of the lift starting up and making a decent.

For the longest time, he was content to just sit there and listen to the lift's music, "La De Da" by Ringo Starr, and get his breath back. He slouched lazily in the chair, wishing he'd just ignored that noise and gone back to sleep. He was just contemplating setting up camp here for the night when something rather unexpected happened.

There was a sudden jolt as the lift shuddered to a halt. The Cat flew up in the air for a few seconds before he landed back in the chair, more slumped than before. Embarrassed by this undignified landing, he straightened up straight away and looked around.

"…Hello?"

His reply was a large explosion of sparks and metal as the ceiling was suddenly ripped open, and he saw, staring down at him, were a pair of soulless black eyes.

The two of them stared at each other for a long time.

"Well, if you wanted a lift so badly, you could've waited for the next one!" Cat wailed.

The GELF narrowed its eyes, as if confused, and it slowly began to climb down to get a better look at him. Cat covered himself with his arms and hoped it would be over quick.

And he waited…

And waited…

And waited…

Finally, he got impatient and looked through his arms to see what the creature was doing.

It was sniffing him.

"Is it the cologne? I always knew it was a good idea to apply some right before going to bed."

But the GELF ignored his babbling and continued to sniff him some more, and after a few tense seconds, the creature backed off and proceeded to climb back out of the lift. About a minute later, it was finally gone, and the Cat could hear the sound of it leaving the lift shaft.

For a few moments, he wasn't sure what to make of the situation, but eventually he decided to climb out of the now dead lift and scrambled up the cables to the door that had been ripped open. He swung across and landed neatly back in the corridor, which was now deserted, save for a pair of Skutters, who were both working to clear up the other broken door at the kitchen.

The Cat stared at the scene in silence. The creature's strange scent was gone now, and he was definitely alone. And he could only think of one thing to say after something like that.

"What the _hell_ just happened?"


	7. Shenanigans and Goings On

Rimmer sat upright in his bunk, rather startled by a loud noise that had occurred not far away. He sat blindly in the dark, looking around feverishly. "Lights!" he called out, and he looked around some more, a bit more clearly this time. He glanced at his clock.

It was eight in the morning. Time to get up anyway.

Struggling out of bed, he glared at the solitary slipper still situated in it's rightful place, but clearly looking very lonely on it's own. Growling slightly, he looked around the room.

Lister was snug in his bunk, snorting and snoring away.

But nothing looked all that out of place. He padded around, checking out the table, but everything was as he'd left it the previous night.

But then he saw it. The biggest change in the room was right there in front of him.

The jar of mincemeat was empty now.

Rimmer picked up the empty jar and stared it. It was completely clean. Not a speck of _anything _lay within it. "_Some_one's been peckish during the night," he said under his breath.

Setting the jar back down, he headed for the doors, pressing the command button and watching them slide open to reveal the corridor beyond.

Now in the wall just a few meters away from their quarters was a vending machine with the label _Leopard Lager _emblazoned on top of it. It had no AI chip, which suited them all just find, but it was useful to Lister in that it provided him with lager without having to walk too far.

Rimmer stared at the machine, which seemed to have taken a slight beating during the night. Littering the floor was a huge pile of empty beer cans, all having had their tops torn off and completely chugged.

Staring at this in silent shock, Rimmer tried to figure this little puzzle out. Surely not even Lister…

He turned around and headed back into the room, promptly shaking Lister awake again. "Lister…? Lister, wake up!"

Lister responded with a long, loud snore.

"Wake up, you drunken space hobo!" Rimmer yelled. "We've got another situation!"

This time Lister snorted, a sure sign that he was finally coming to. "Huh? Wha…? What's happening? Where's…? Rimmer, what the smeg is going on _now_?"

"I was rather hoping _you_ could explain that to me."

"Eh?"

"Did you ever wake up at some point last night?"

"No… No, I slept pretty soundly."

"Then why is the mincemeat jar empty?"

Lister rubbed his eyes getting whatever flaky bits he could out of them, and glanced over at the table, spying the empty jar. His eyes widened with disappointment. "What the hell? I wasn't done with that yet!"

"And there's been a bit of an incident with the vending machine as well."

"Which vending machine?"

"The one outside our quarters."

"What's happened to it?"

"See for yourself."

Lister got out of his blankets, jumped down and walked across the cold metal floor towards the open doors. He looked down at the floor and stared in shock at the mess.

"Smeg…," he said in quiet disbelieving tones. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know, quite frankly," Rimmer said, crossing his arms in an authoritative way. "Perhaps you went on a bit of a bender in your sleep."

"What, you mean sleep-drinking?"

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"But how come I'm not hung over? Come on, look at all those dead soldiers! There's no way I could've drank all that and still be forming complete sentences in the morning."

Rimmer nodded firmly. "Well, the question remains: if you didn't drink all that, then who did?"

Lister examined the cans more closely. "Jesus, look at 'em… They've been ripped open! Why would anyone do that? There's a little tab on the top you just pull forward…"

Just then, they heard Holly's voice back in their room calling out to them. "Oi!"

They doubled back inside, finding the head on their screen.

"Holly, what the hell is going on?" Rimmer demanded. "Why are there mangled remains of old lager containers in our corridor?"

"Looks like the creature got back on board last night," Holly replied.

"What, Speed came back?" Lister asked, looking stunned.

"Yeah, the Cat saw him. Says he came on board and tried to attack him. He's in the Drive Room now with Kryten reviewing security footage."

"We're on our way," Lister said, heading over to the closet to get dressed.

Rimmer nodded distantly and headed for the closet.

* * *

"So you think it was Speed?" Lister asked, looking a bit confused.

"Yeah, it was!" Cat said, still looking a bit tired. "I'm telling you, man, I didn't get _any _sleep after that!"

"So where did he go?" Rimmer asked.

"I don't know. I went back to the kitchen, but no one was there. I searched out three decks, but there was no sign of him anywhere. He didn't even have the courtesy to clean up the mess in the fridge when he was done either!"

"What do you think, Kryten?" Lister asked, turning in his chair to look at the mechanoid, who was reviewing the security camera footage at one of the control panel screens.

"The footage confirms it, sir. There _was _a GELF on board, and it _did _attack Mr. Cat."

"That's what I just got done _saying_!" Cat exclaimed. "I'm lucky it didn't get me! Look at this outfit! I couldn't just _stitch it_ back together! I'd have had to completely redo it!"

"Well, let's just be thankful for small mercies," Rimmer sighed, leaning back in his chair tiredly.

"So how'd he get back on board anyway?" Lister asked.

"That's the thing," Holly said. "He _didn't _break in."

"Eh?"

"I've done an entire internal sweep of the ship. There's no sign of a break-in anywhere. The first time, he snuck in through one of the old holes in the duct work. There's been no signs of an intruder all night. No one came aboard or left the ship at any point."

Kryten drummed his fingers on his chest plate thoughtfully. "Another thought occurs, sir. You say that the creature cornered you in the lift."

"Yeah, that's right."

"So why are you still alive?"

Cat stared at him. "Huh?"

"Why didn't the creature _kill_ you on the spot?"

Everyone looked at the Cat, who looked back confusedly.

"I dunno," he said at last. "He just got real close to me, sniffed me, and then he turned and left."

"Why'd he do that?" Lister wondered.

Kryten thought some more, and then he snapped his fingers. "It must've been the experiment!" he exclaimed. "When we recalibrated the GELF's genetic structure, we must've missed out a few key details. He still changes into a huge slobbering monster and attacks us, but he _doesn't _kill us!"

"So you're saying he'll chase us down a corridor, but he won't messily devour us?" Rimmer asked, looking rather disturbed.

"It seems that the GELF _at first _perceived the Cat as a threat, but upon closer inspection, realized he was harmless and let him go. Perhaps we should endeavor to recapture him and attempt a second time."

"How would that help? He'll just turn back into his giant form and we won't be able to catch him."

"Ah-ha, but there is _another _pattern in all this, sir."

"And that is?"

"It seems that the GELF only changes at _night_."

"Kryten, we're in Deep Space," Lister reminded him. "It's _always _night."

"Well then, it seems to only change during what we ourselves _perceive _as night. As soon as we're all asleep, that's when it transforms."

"Yeah, that's right," Cat said. "It woke me up during my main power snooze."

"So perhaps that's part of it. The GELF only changes at night. Remember yesterday, sirs, the entire time we were taking him to the airlock, he didn't change once."

"Yeah, that's a point," Lister agreed.

"So what does this mean? We have to trawl the space around the ship to find him again while in his diminutive form?" Rimmer asked. "He's so tiny, and he can move so fast, who knows how long it will take catch him?"

"What if he hasn't left?"

"Sir?"

"You heard what Holly said. There's no sign of a break-in or a breakout. What if he never left? He could still be around here somewhere."

"Yes, that is true, sir. Suggest two of us go out in _Starbug_, and the other two of us remain inside to search him out."

"We're really going to spend the whole day searching for this thing?" Rimmer demanded. "Looking for a tiny GELF the size of a squirrel on a ship the size of a city? It'll be like trying to find a casual visitor at Comic-Con!"

"We've got no options, man," Lister replied. "Have you seen the damage Speed's doing to the ship? If we let this go on, pretty soon it's going to be like traveling through the vacuum of space in a cheese grater!"

"Suggest you and the Cat patrol outside the ship, sir. Mr. Rimmer and I can help Holly search throughout here."

Lister and the Cat nodded and headed for the hatchway. Rimmer groaned internally as he got up and followed Kryten as well.

It was going to be a long day.


	8. Keep On Searching

_Starbug _streaked across space, arcing softly around a pair of planets and heading towards another section of the aforementioned space. Nobody knew why anybody ever bothered to name different sections of space, seeing as how space had no actual mass, it couldn't actually be divided up. But creating order out of nothing was something humans were good at, according to themselves at any rate, so they headed for the next "section" of space.

Cat sat at the helm, keeping his eyes and nose peeled for any scent of Speed. So far, though, he wasn't having any luck. They'd been at this for six hours, constantly expanding their search radius.

The previous theory was that Speed was spending all his time close to _Red Dwarf_, but now they were several miles away from their mother ship and there was still no sign, so it was now being hypothesized that he was a long way away from them and was zipping back and forth from the ship to some sort of hiding place.

Lister strolled up from the mid-section with his third can of lager. He leaned against the navigation console as he sipped it. "Anything yet?"

"No sign of him, bud," Cat replied, not taking his eyes off the viewscreen. "We've been at this for nearly six hours, though. I'm in serious need of a shower."

"You had one right before we left."

"Oh, come on, bud, you should know me by now. If I don't get at least one shower every six hours and a change of clothes every ten, and maybe the odd power snooze every four, I can't be expected to keep up my usual on-the-job self!"

Lister rolled his eyes. "Cat, man, you're the best one for this job. We can't do it without you."

"Flattered, though I may be, smelling like your boxer shorts, I will not."

"What if I got you a snack? Think a quick nibble could tide you over for another hour?"

Cat considered this. "Well… It'd have to be a _good _snack."

"What've you got in mind?"

"How about six-foot-long halibut?"

"How about two cans of tuna and a glass of milk?"

"Do I get to drink the oil out of the cans?"

"Sure."

"Deal."

Lister smirked and headed back into the mid-section, strolling over to the galley. He opened up the refrigeration unit and looked around the canned goods section, pushing tins of soup aside until he found a few cans of tuna. He pulled them out and set them on the counter, and then pulled open the utility drawer, searching for the tin opener. They had two of these: one for tins, and the other so he could pick his ears clean. It wasn't too hard to identify which one was which.

Once he had it, he set to work in opening the tin, and as he did, the foul aroma of tuna was released into the air. Lister didn't like the smell of tuna unless it was in a casserole of some sort, and even then, only with Extra-Spicy Ground Pepper Tabasco Sauce mixed into it.

But now it seemed better smelling than usual. Curious, he stuck his finger into it and took out a small lump, and put it in his mouth. He held it there for a moment, letting it sit on his half-defunct tongue, and was surprised at how good it tasted. It tasted rich. Succulent. Moist. He swallowed and scooped some up some more.

He just wondering why he'd never tried any of this before when he suddenly realized that he'd somehow eaten the whole can. Rather surprised by this, and knowing he'd promised the Cat two cans, he quickly dug out another and took the tin opener to it's lid.

"How's it coming back there, bud?" Cat's voice called out from the cockpit.

"Er, it's coming along," Lister called out. "Just a few technical problems?"

"How can two cans of tuna have _technical _problems?"

"Oh, er… Okay, it's more like a _culinary _problem then. Just hang on a mo."

Now with the lid removed, Lister hurried to get out a glass and pulled out the milk, pouring it in rather sloppily. He picked everything up and carried it into the cockpit, setting it down next to Cat at the helm.

Cat looked over at them eagerly. "Yeah, yeah, that's more like it," he said with a grin. "Transferring to auto." He flipped a switch on the panel and picked up one of the cans, pulling a small metal fork out of his jacket pocket.

"Yeah, you enjoy that, man. I'm gonna go see to the refrigeration unit. I think there was a problem with it."

"Yeah? What's it doing?" Cat asked between bites.

"I'm not sure. I just think it needs a good seeing to. Let me know when you're done here."

Cat nodded slightly in response, and Lister left the cockpit again.

For a few moments, all was quiet, and Cat was enjoying his supper. He wasn't entirely sure this was going to be his supper just yet though. Perhaps it was his first evening meal. He'd decide for sure once he was certain how he was feeling later. He gulped down the milk and prepared to start in on the second can.

Then he heard the sound of the tin opener again.

Cat glanced over his shoulder into the galley for moment, but then decided to ignore it and focus on his meal.

Then he heard the tin opener again.

Confused, he glanced at the hatchway again, but he couldn't really see anything from where he sat. Slowly, he went back to eating again, but kept his ears focused on the galley.

And about six seconds later, there was the buzzing sound of the tin opener again.

Now seriously concerned for what was happening in there, the Cat decided to investigate the premise of just why Lister needed the tin opener to fix the fridge.

Right after he finished eating, of course. There was no need to overreact.

So he finished up the last can, during which he heard the tin opener two more times, and as soon as he had completed everything, he got up from his seat and headed for the hatchway.

Lister wasn't working on the fridge at all. He was eating cans of tuna. There were now five empty cans on the workbench, and now he was using the tin opener to open a sixth.

Needless to say, the Cat was a bit peeved by this. "Hey!"

Lister jumped at the noise and leapt away from the tin opener, leaving it sitting on the counter, a half-opened tin of tuna in its grasp. He stared up at the Cat nervously.

"Hey, I think I've just about got it sussed!" he said quickly.

Cat stared at him in disgust. "What the hell are you up to, man? That's _my _tuna you're gulping down!"

"Cat, I know what this must look like, but I – "

"Do you see me trying to swallow down that vile that _you _eat? Do you _ever _see me trying to ingest your chicken vindaloo? Have I ever, in a month of May Days, tried to gulp down your six-packs in under a minute, like your foul self?"

Lister gave it up. "Look, Cat, I'm sorry, alright? I didn't mean to. I just had this weird craving."

"Craving?"

"Yeah, it happened all sudden-like, you know?"

Cat looked at him suspiciously. "Something ain't right here, bud."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know… You're eating weird foods, you're smelling things better, you're…," he trailed off, and his eyes widened as he realized. "Oh my god."

"What? What is it?"

"I don't know why I didn't realize this sooner! Oh god, I should've guessed! You even _smell _different now!"

"What, Cat? What is it?"

Cat pointed an accusing finger. "You're pregnant again, aren't you?"

Lister stared at him incredulously. "You what?"

"You are, aren't you? Oh _man_, just what we needed! How could you do this?"

"I didn't!"

"Why couldn't you be more _careful_? How could you just give yourself away like that?"

"Cat, you don't have a _clue _what you're on about, do you?"

"Man, it was _hell _last time. I seriously don't need this right now…"

"Cat, I'm _not pregnant_!"

"Then why are you having all these weird cravings?"

"I don't know. They're just happening. I can't explain cravings. They're just what my body wants at the moment."

"So…you're not pregnant?"

"No, I swear I'm not."

Cat sighed with relief. "Well, I assume you don't need me to tell you how utterly happy I am to hear that."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"But this does _not _explain why you're gobbling my snack supply."

Lister sighed with frustration. "Look, I can't explain it, man. I just felt hungry for it."

"But bud, you hate this stuff. In fact, the only stuff you _do _like has to set off the smoke alarm before you eat it."

"I know… It's weird, isn't it?"

Cat shook his head, giving up. "Well, you can have fun cleaning all this up. I'm going back to steering this crate. _Some_body's got to do some work around here." And he twirled around and bounded back up to the cockpit.

Lister stared at the mess and sighed, clearing up the empty cans and dumping them into a waste bin to later be taken down to the compactor down below. He was just getting ready to take them away when he noticed the still-full can of tuna on the table. His mouth water slightly, he reached over to grab it.

But then Cat's voice rang out from the cockpit. "Put it back!"

Sighing disappointedly, Lister resumed taking the waste away.

* * *

Back on _Red Dwarf_, Rimmer wasn't particularly enjoying himself at the moment. After a full day of following Kryten around with the Psi-Scan, it was getting a bit tedious. They'd trawled across six decks, searching for the tiny little GELF, but there was neither head nor slimy tail of the little guy.

The Skutters were no help at all. After two terrifying nights in a row, they were keen to avoid anything that had to do with Speed. They were rarely seen in the corridors now, and Holly said that they would be hiding out in various closets across the ship until everything had been done and dealt with.

So now it was down to Rimmer and Kryten to scope out the ship.

And they had done so for six hours.

Rimmer, a born complainer, spent most of the time whining about how bored he was and about GELFs in general. He spent the whole time bemoaning the fact that this rodent on a rampage had not only damaged the ship, but also that his belongings had been messed with, including his beloved slipper.

Kryten generally accepted this. After so many years with Mr Rimmer, he'd learned that it was just his way of dealing with tedious tasks. He'd moan and complain for hours as a way of killing time, and it wasn't his place to question a human's habits. So every time his CPU suggested he do something interesting with a heavy fire extinguisher or a sedative from the medi-lab, he quietly discarded it and continued on his way.

"But why can't Holly just track the creature himself?" Rimmer complained.

"As I explained to you before, sir, and the twelve times before that, we don't know if this GELF has the ability to disguise itself from Holly's internal sweep. We need to be extra sure."

"But he was able to detect him _before _we flushed him into space."

"True. However, we must make certain. It may not even be the same GELF."

Rimmer exhaled angrily. "Six hours we've doing this, and no sign of him anywhere…"

"There's a lot of ship to cover, sir. It will take some time."

"Yes, I realize that, but you must bear in mind that I am a human being, Kryten, and I have human needs."

Kryten stopped and turned to stare at him. "You mean…?"

"You know: eating, drinking, stopping to rest, maybe visit the little boy's room…"

"Oh! Oh, sir, I thought… Er, never mind."

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Look, we've been across six decks. We've walked at least a hundred miles today."

"Well, it's more like fifty, sir…"

"Whatever. I need a break. Thirty minutes to myself, and then we can start up again."

"Very well then, sir. We shall reconvene back here in half an hour."

"Good. Thank you." And Rimmer turned to stroll towards the lift.

"Of course, there's every chance the creature will move somewhere else within that time and we'll have to start all over again," Kryten continued.

Rimmer stopped for a moment, slightly freaked by these words, but then considered that Kryten was just saying that to scare him and get him to stay, so he shrugged it off and headed for the lift.

He was certain he heard the mechanoid muttering something as the doors slid shut.

"_Smeeeeee_…"

* * *

Rimmer strolled into the sleeping quarters a few minutes later, deciding he'd lay down in his bunk and read until it was time to go and resume the search. He pulled his boots off and started to get in, but then he realized the book he'd been reading was missing.

He straightened up and looked around. He headed for the table and searched its contents, but there was no sign of his novel anywhere. He moved things around, trying to locate it.

"Where the hell are you…?" he mused allowed, heading for the bookcase. He ran his fingers along the spines of other books and such, but there was simply no sign of it anywhere.

He turned around and scanned the room, slowly searching every nook and cranny, trying to place in his mind where he might've left it.

Then his eyes flitted to Lister's bunk.

It seemed unlikely that his bunkmate might've taken his book. There were no pictures in it, nor were there any lift-up flaps.

Still, there was no sign of it anywhere else, so he decided to have a peek. Crinkling his nose, he approached the bunk with a degree of apprehension, digging around for the book. He didn't see much. There were a few crusty old socks, a half-finished vindaloo and some discarded comic books, but no sign of his book. He mumbled obscenities and incredulities at the state of the place however.

He was just about to give up and find something else to do when he found what he'd been looking for.

It wasn't his book, however.

It was his slipper.

He stared in a stupor at the footwear in his hand. What had it been doing in Lister's bunk all this time?

He felt the beginnings of an angry tirade taking over. He swore, if Lister had been messing with his head all this time, he'd find some way to flush every bit of curry powder into space.

But then he considered how much of a whiner he was, something he'd come to terms with a while ago, and had used to manipulate Kryten into letting him come here in the first place. After all the complaining he'd been doing, surely Lister would've given in and given the slipper back yesterday at the latest.

So what was it doing there?

Rimmer uncertainly placed the slipper next to its friend on the floor. He decided not to think about it for now as he searched for his book some more.

* * *

That evening, everyone reconvened in the Drive Room. They all sat around the massive scanner table in the middle of the room, a plate of cucumber sandwiches between them.

Cat was the first to speak up. "I'm telling you guys, we searched high and low. I didn't even smell that dude anywhere."

"Yeah," Lister said with a nod. "Wherever he's got to, he's hidden himself better than a tube of Neosporin when you've got a bloody finger."

"We've searched several decks as well, sir," Kryten said. "Even though we only covered one-eighth of the ship, I'm beginning to think the GELF is not on board."

"So what do we do now?" Cat asked.

"Suggest we try and have some sort of neighborhood watch tonight, sirs. We could take it in shifts. Between the five of us, we could stand guard here in the Drive Room, where we'd have access to all the goings-on within the ship."

Lister nodded. "That sounds pretty good."

"Why can't the head just stay up all night? He doesn't need sleep," Cat protested.

Holly looked indignant. "What, you think I don't get drowsy once in a while? I have to fly a giant mining ship the size of a city through deep space. My circuits aren't what they used to be. I can't keep up the full pace as much anymore. I need to go offline once in a while to give it a rest."

"But what about me?" Cat complained. "I need constant sleep! If I don't get in about five or six naps a day, I don't have the energy for my main power snooze!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "How long would these shifts last?"

"Roughly 2.5 hours, sir."

"There, Cat, do you think you can get in an extra two and a half hours?" Lister asked patiently.

Cat considered this before he conceded. "Well, alright," he said at last. "But I expect to be allowed to make up that time tomorrow. Understand?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure."

"So how do we decide who goes first?" Rimmer asked.

Lister held up his fist at arm's length. The others stared at it for a moment before it twigged.

"Loser gets first shift?"

"Yep."

"You're on."

They all held up their fists.

"Ready? One – two – three!"

Lister, Cat and Rimmer held up scissors and Kryten held up rock.

"Okay, Kryten gets the last shift. Come on, guys, let's go again."

Lister, Rimmer and Cat held up their fists.

"Okay. One – two – three!"

This time, Lister and Rimmer held up scissors, and Cat held up paper.

"Oh, Cat, looks like you're up first then," Lister said with a grin.

Cat sulked and crossed his arms. "Fine…," he muttered.

"So, which of us goes before the other then?" Rimmer asked.

Lister thought about this. "I'm thinking of a number between one and ten."

"Seven."

"...Damn. Every time, I swear. How do you always get that?"

"Well, you always pick seven."


	9. Finding the Plot

**Author's Notes: **_Ooh, look! The plot!_

Late that night, all was quiet onboard _Red Dwarf_.

Everyone was sound asleep aboard their mother ship.

Everyone except the Cat, that is.

The poor feline was sitting alone in the Drive Room, staring at the digital clock on the wall. He was waiting for the two and a half hours to end so he could go, get Lister to take over and then get some well-deserved sleep. He didn't know why he was putting up with this. He had to sit here, alone in the dark, staring at a bunch of screens, looking for something big, hairy and drooling all over the place.

Not that he was looking all that closely.

The Cat had spent most of his shift trying to kill time until he could go to sleep. He had spent the first half hour playing an adventure game on the video console, but Holly locked him out once he realized what he was doing. Then he tried to build a tower out of some old circuit boards and wires, but it kept toppling over once it was two feet tall.

After two hours had passed, he tried to work on a song, and for awhile it was going great. He had worked out most of the places for shrieks and yowls, and he considered taking it to the cargo bay to sing it for the Skutters. But then, he found himself stuck with writer's block, as he couldn't decide whether or not he should put an "Awough!" before an "Oohwagga!"

This kept him sitting there for ten minutes, pondering about what to do, before he finally realized that it had finally been two and a half hours.

Relieved to get away from his work, he got up, put the lyric sheets away and headed for the door.

"Alright," he sighed. "Time to get the monkey up and ready for action."

* * *

Cat arrived in the sleeping quarters about ten minutes later. The doors slid open before him, and he peered into the darkness. He could just make out the bunks in the wall and headed over to them, following the sounds of a mack truck downshifting on a freeway.

Lister's snoring guided him to the correct place like a foghorn. He got as close as he dared to his crewmate's face before he started to shake him on the shoulder.

"Hey, monkey – wakey-wakey time!"

Lister snorted in his sleep but didn't wake up. He just snored louder and louder.

"Hey, come on, bud. It's your turn! You gotta keep an eye out for the beastie!"

But Lister still wouldn't wake up.

"Hey! Wake up! I want to get some sleep!"

But Lister just snored loudly in response.

Cat couldn't help but admire Rimmer in this one moment. How could this guy share a room with this orangutan? How could he get through night after grueling night listening to Buzz-Saw Larry above him each time?

Sighing to himself, he knelt down to the lower bunk and tried to wake the other one up.

"Psst! Laundry Shoot Nostrils, wake up!" he whispered, shaking him lightly.

Rimmer inhaled sharply as he slowly rolled over and began to awaken. "Hmmm? Huh? McGruder…?" But then his vision focused and he saw who it was, causing him to scowl with irritation. "Oh, it's _you_."

"Don't sound so disappointed. Lot's of people can only _wish _they woke up to my face."

"And they are _who_ now?"

"Come on, man, you gotta get up."

Rimmer glanced around and saw the digital display on his clock. His eyes widened with disbelief. "It's only 12:45! It's Lister's shift! Wake _him_ up!"

"I already tried, but he won't shift! Come on, _someone _has to take over from me. I need my sleep! I'm starting to get bags under my beautiful eyes!"

"Oh, my heart _bleeds_."

"Well, what do you want me to do? He won't wake up! I need to – "

But the Cat never finished that sentence. His entire expression froze into a caricature of astonishment and terror, only allowing his nostrils to flare slightly in short movements.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I can smell it."

Rimmer sat up straight now, leaning back against his hands for support under his low ceiling. "What, the creature?"

"It's nearby."

Rimmer scrambled out of his bunk and got his slippers on, relieved to have found the other one already. "Where is it? How close?"

"I'm not sure. I think it's on this floor, though."

"Oh my god… Quick! Check the doors!"

They both hurried over to the open doorway and looked down the dark corridor, staring fearfully down its depths, trying to spy any sort of movement.

"Can you see anything?" Rimmer asked, trying to keep his knees from giving out.

"Nothing, but I can still smell it," Cat replied. "Sometimes I smell things before we can see them."

"Is it coming this way? Can you tell?"

"I think it might be. The smell is getting more powerful."

"Oh god, oh god, oh god… We need to do something if it comes here. We need to defend ourselves."

"I _really_ wish I hadn't smashed that guitar so soon…"

"Maybe there's something else. I think Lister's got a baseball bat somewhere around here…"

They turned around, but they couldn't really see anything in the dark.

Rimmer activated the voice command system. "Lights!" he ordered.

The entire room lit up, and what they saw in the middle of the room shocked them.

It was Lister. And…

"Oh my god, he's nude," Rimmer moaned as he looked away with disgust.

Cat covered his eyes while trying to look annoyed. "What the hell, man! I tried to wake you up a few minutes ago! What's the deal? Why aren't you…? Put some damn clothes on!"

But Lister just stood there, and then they realized something.

He was still snoring.

"What the hell's the matter with him?" Cat demanded.

"Maybe he's sleepwalking," Rimmer suggested, daring to actually look at Lister.

But when he did, he realized his attention was more drawn towards his face.

Lister's mouth was hanging open slightly, allowing lots of drool to pour out.

The snore became louder still, a bit more gurgled this time.

And then Lister's eyes opened wider. They were completely black, almost soullessly glaring back at them.

Rimmer and the Cat stared at him in terror.

Then Lister's mouth opened wider, revealing three rows of sharp teeth.

"What's going down here?" Cat cried.

"My god… I think…Lister's turning into…a GELF!"

Before more questions could be asked, Lister body started to grow hairier. He began to hunch over as his shoulders grew larger and broader, and his face began to distort as it shifted and restructured itself. They listened to the sounds of bones grinding as they stretched and contorted to take on the new form.

His snoring was getting louder and faster, sounding as if he was in some sort of pain, and then it sounded like it was turning into some sort of beastly snarl.

Rimmer and the Cat were frozen with fear, neither of them quite sure what to do.

They could only watch as Lister's face seemed to vanish, and it was replaced with that of a very angry-looking GELF. He grew at least four inches taller than he had been, and he looked like he could've handled himself in a game of Zero-G Football.

Finally, the transformation was complete, and now the GELF towered above them. He growled with a deep rumble, baring his rows of fangs, and allowing some drool to spill on the floor.

Rimmer and the Cat stared at up at him, as he lumbered forward and got in real close. He sniffed them experimentally, as if testing them.

At last, the GELF stopped sniffing. He then drew back sharply, and then he charged forwards. The two barely had time to get out of the way as their cursed crewmate bounded past them, through the doorway and down the corridor, vanishing into the darkness, it's loud stomping echoing as it disappeared further into the ship.

Rimmer and the Cat stared in horror and anguish at their fallen crewmember. They slowly turned to look at each other, neither one reassured by the look of abject terror on the other's face.

Finally, they realized the solution. They both said one word together.

"Kryten."


	10. Plot Expositiony Stuff

Ever since the crew had died / abandoned ship, _Red Dwarf _was now just an almost-empty tin can floating aimlessly in space. It hung in the black sky like a Christmas ornament. A ship the size of a small city was practically a pebble in a giant ocean.

From the inside, however, it seemed far more sinister, especially when the lights were turned off. All lights were switched off when the crew were asleep. It saved on energy and was apparently more "green", a phrase the present crew wasn't quite clear on, but they thought nothing of it.

Right now, it was through this darkness that Rimmer and the Cat were tiptoeing through as they searched for Kryten's quarters. The mechanoid lived in the broom cupboard on E-Deck, so the _Dwarfers _were forced to travel up about three flights of stairs in order to get there, and each flight had three hundred and twelve very steep steps.

The metal stairways were on large gantries that crisscrossed all around the ship. They were always dark, with only red and green flashing lights to really light the path. They passed through the diesel decks and passed around the large propane tanks, hoping it wasn't much further.

"Why can't we just take the lifts?" Cat moaned.

"Because the skutters haven't finished making repairs," Rimmer replied. "Come on, it's not far now."

And with that, the Cat had to be content.

They continued climbing up the long flights for about another fifteen minutes, and then at last, they found the appropriate floor. They stepped through the large metal door and entered the corridor. They looked down long distance, running as fast as they could all the way down it.

They looked around, trying to determine which of the closets was Kryten's, as none of them really came up to pay the mechanoid a visit in his own closet. Usually, everyone just met up in the sleeping quarters. It had always struck Rimmer as odd that on a ship so large, all four of them usually ended up hanging out in the same room.

Finally, Rimmer located a closet door that was half-open. Slamming his fist into the lock, the door slid open, and Kryten's inactive body sat inside, hooked up to a recharge unit.

"Kryten, wake up!" Rimmer ordered. "Lister's…something. We need your help."

Kryten didn't move.

"Damn it, he's still recharging. How do we bring him out of it?"

"Hell, I don't know. We've never actually had to bring him out of it before."

Rimmer growled slightly and looked around the closet. There had to be _something _that could help. Then he found a switch on the back of Kryten's right ear. He pressed down on it, and the mechanoid's head popped open.

"Has that done anything?" he asked.

Cat observed Kryten's face, and watched as his eyes popped open. Instead of their usual pleasant blue, they were now a fiery red, and they did not look pleasant at all.

"Erm…kind of."

"_You have activated self-defense mode. Non-human lifeform is present. Do you wish to destroy non-human lifeform?_" Kryten asked in a cheery automated voice.

Cat jumped backwards. "No! No we damn well don't!"

Rimmer fiddled inside Kryten's head some more. "Wait, maybe this does something."

Suddenly Kryten was on his feet and shouting. "_Swing, batter-batter, swing, batter, suh-wing!_"

Rimmer, who had jumped back in alarm, timidly flipped another switch.

Kryten started dancing as if he were on a stage on Broadway. "_I've got rhythm, I've got music, I've got an ironing board, who could ask for anything more? Puh-puh-Putsy, good-bye!_"

And then Rimmer smacked him over the head with a broom handle.

Kryten sputtered, his head slammed shut, his recharge lead came out and his eyes turned blue again. He looked around nervously.

"Oh! Oh my, oh goodness, sirs. Mr. Rimmer, Mr. Cat, sirs, my, my, what's happening?"

Cat sighed with relief. "Man, you robot dudes have the strangest mood swings," he moaned.

"Sirs, where's Mr. Lister?"

Rimmer staggered back around and shakily tried to explain. "We don't know. Something's happened to him. The creature that's been rampaging _Red Dwarf _wasn't the small GELF. It was Lister!"

Kryten double-took. "Sir?"

"It's true, bud," Cat put in shakily. "We saw him. Right before our very eyes, he changed into a creature with all the appeal of somebody's lunch after their first go on the Happy-Go-Pukey ride."

Kryten looked sufficiently stunned. "But how could this be possible? How could Mr. Lister have been afflicted in such a way?"

"We were hoping you could tell us."

Kryten paused. "Drive Room, straight away."

* * *

Sixteen flights of stairs and forty-five minutes later, they had all arrived in the massive Drive Room, and they were now typing commands to boot up Holly's large screen.

"Holly, you need to wake up," Kryten announced. "Mr. Lister is trouble."

The screen flickered and hummed loudly, and then Holly's pixilated face burgeoned back into being.

"Alright, _dudes_," he said, sounding not very cheerful at being woken up. "What's the big idea?"

"Monkey Boy's turned into a Thing From the Swamp," Cat filled in. "We need your help to fix him."

"What, you mean just Bob Barker him right there and then? Seems a bit of a rash way to deal with an unnatural metamorphosis."

"No, we want you to help us change him back to normal," Rimmer corrected, also sounding very agitated. "For a start, how did he get like this in the first place?"

Holly thought for approximately 3.2 seconds.

"Well, I'd wager it was the experiment we conducted. The machine didn't just send Dave's brain patterns to the GELF. It also sent some of the GELF's brain patterns and such to Dave."

"But then why didn't he change straight away?" Rimmer asked.

"And how come he's only doing the changing at night?" Cat added.

"It must've not been very much of a transfer," Holly surmised thoughtfully. "He probably didn't receive just enough of the GELF's genetic programming to take him over completely. He only changes at night because that's when he's asleep. When unconscious, the new genetic structure takes over, and he undergoes a hideous transformation. Then, when he's starting to wake up, his natural biological instincts take over and he changes back again."

"So what do we do about it?" Rimmer demanded. "Right now, he's charging about the ship, probably doing more damage than Jason on cocaine."

Holly mulled this over. "Well, this process could probably be reversed," he said at last. "If we can repair the machine, we could swap Dave's genetics with the GELF's again and restore them both to normal."

"Sounds simple enough," Kryten agreed. "We could begin work on the machine straight away."

"Yes, excellent plan, everyone, well done," Rimmer said, sounding slightly patronizing. "One _slight _problem however."

"Sir?"

"The GELF."

"What about it, sir?"

"We flushed him out into deep space two days ago."

"Ah…"

They thought about that for a moment.

"Well, that's screwed that then," Cat said at last.

"We'll have to find the GELF," Holly said. "It's only been two days, and _Red Dwarf_ is about as speedy as a Zimmer Frame Relay Team. He can't have gotten far."

"But we searched the area around the ship and then some yesterday. There's just no sign of him."

"Then we'll have to look harder, sir," Kryten said decisively. "For Mr. Lister's sake. Agreed?"

Rimmer and Cat glanced at each other for a few moments before finally sighing in agreement.

"Good. I shall begin work on the machine at once."

"Just one small thing, though," Holly said.

"What's that?"

"Dave is tearing up the cargo decks. Suggest you get down there and calm him down."

The _Dwarfers _looked at each other and gulped heavily. Something told them they wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight.


	11. GELF Patrol in Color

The doors to the cargo bay slid open with a motorized hum, and Rimmer, Cat and Kryten slowly trudged into the supply decks, clutching bazookoids and scanners with a great sense of agitation.

When they arrived at the doorway into the main room, it was decided that Kryten would be the first to enter, seeing as how Rimmer and Cat were already shoving him through anyway. They followed behind, their heavy mining lasers set on the lowest setting so as to merely stun the creature.

Kryten listened to the "bleep-bleepety-bleep" of the Psi-Scan, waving it about in front of him like a metal detector.

"Okay, Kryten, let's good a few things straight," Rimmer said, clutching his bazookoid so tight it was probably going to snap in two. "When I say, 'where is he?', I expect a better answer than, 'somewhere, sir'. Understand?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. Now then, where is he?"

"Somewhere in here, sir."

Rimmer was tempted level the barrel of the bazookoid at Kryten's metal-flap arse right there, but managed to calm himself down. "Kryten…," he said warningly.

Cat sniffed the air. "He's moving," he whispered.

"Moving where?"

"I'm not sure, but he's coming in this direction."

Straining to listen, Rimmer looked up and down the corridor. He could see anyone, but upon closer inspection ear-wise, he realized he could hear the sound of large heavy footsteps thudding their way in their direction from the south wing.

"He's coming," he whimpered.

"Suggest we set all weaponry on 'beddy-bye time', sirs."

Rimmer and Cat aimed their weapons, setting the appropriate options, and stared down into the corridor. They found themselves slightly bouncing up and down from the force of the steps.

"Oh _man_…," Cat muttered, his eyes widening.

Rimmer struggled to try and do a runner, but he was quite literally scared stiff.

And then he was there. Lister, now turned GELF, was running at them on all fours, banging the floor was huge legs, thundering up the corridor, his three rows of teeth flashing in the dim lighting, saliva splashing down and leaving a trail behind him.

The trio watched as their deformed crewmate came closer and closer. He was showing no signs of slowing down. He was grunting and growling as he seemed to be heading straight at them.

Then, without warning, he pounced at them.

Letting out various shrieks of terror, the three ducked down, covering their heads.

Lister sailed neatly over them and landed neatly on the floor behind them by about six feet and continued on down the corridor, vanishing up into the north wing, his echoing stomping fading away as they did so.

Once assured he was gone, they came out of their crouching positions, straightening out and looking around, their hearts beating like gerbils being bounced off a wall.

"Wait," Cat said, remembering something. "Weren't we supposed to stun him?"

Rimmer stared at him for a moment before he remembered as well. "Smeg," he moaned, pinching his nose as he felt a migraine coming on.

"Quickly, sirs! After him!" Kryten cried, turning on his heel and tearing after the GELF. Rimmer and Cat span around followed after him.

They charged forward for about half a mile before they finally heard him again, and they could the sound of munching and slurping. They nervously clutched their bazookoids as they edged closer to the corner up ahead.

"Nearly there, sirs," Kryten said. "Be ready."

After receiving two nods from his humanoid companions, Kryten tiptoed around the corner and prepared himself for any sort of violent thrashing. He had once been tossed through the air by a T-Rex devolved from a sparrow, so he knew he could be bandied about a bit without too much damage, so he was the best candidate to absorb the first attack.

He was so busy mentally prepping himself for his thrashing that he didn't notice that it wasn't happening for at least ten seconds.

When Kryten finally decided to acknowledge that there was someone else in the room, he was stunned.

The Lister GELF was digging through one of the giant boxes. He was pulling out packets of curry powder and madras sauce, guzzling all the contents down.

"Kryten, what's happening?" Rimmer whispered from behind the corner.

"Sirs, I think you'd better see this."

With all the discretion of a prudish school headmaster, Rimmer and the Cat poked their heads around the corner. They stared at the scene, and once assured that Lister was preoccupied, they came closer.

"What the hell is he doing?" Cat demanded, crinkling his nose in disgust.

"He's eating the supplies, sir," Kryten said. "At the rate he's going, he'll probably have devoured half the ton of vindaloo ingredients by morning."

Lister then abruptly stopped eating and then started scratching an itch behind his ear with his hind leg. Then he started rolling around in the spilled ingredients.

Rimmer watched his transformed bunkmate in amazement. "He's like a…puppy," he murmured.

"A _GELF _puppy," Kryten said.

"I hope he's a _housebroken _GELF puppy," Cat remarked sardonically.

Lister then noticed them at last. His black eyes narrowed with apparent distrust.

"What's he doing?" Rimmer asked through his closed mouth.

"He's spotted us, sir."

"No _kidding_, Captain of the Bloody Obvious! What's he going to do?"

"I'm not sure, sir. This is Mr. Lister. He's liable to do anything."

Lister was already waltzing towards them, glaring at them, sniffing experimentally. He loomed over their shivering forms menacingly.

"Er…good boy, Listy," Rimmer whimpered.

For a very tense two seconds, he was forced to stare into this beast's blank eyes.

And then he found himself taking the most disgusting shower of his life as he felt a rough smelly tongue run up along his face.

"Augh!" Cat screeched, jumping away from them. "Eurgh! Agh! No way, man! That is just sick, sick, _sick_! Augh!"

Rimmer stood frozen on the spot, staring as the giant creature just sat there, gazing at him.

"What the hell did he do that for?" he demanded, wiping his face off frantically.

"Curiouser and curiouser," Kryten remarked, handing Rimmer a rag to dry himself with. "Seems the puppy analogy works on multiple levels."

Rimmer frantically scrubbed himself. "Ooh, I'll bathe and I'll bathe, but I'll never be clean," he moaned pathetically.

"So what do we do?" Cat asked, still keeping his distance from Lister.

"Perhaps we can entice him back to the science room," Kryten suggested. "We may be able to examine him a bit more closely."

"Yeah, and then what?"

"Well, we could… Er, we could…"

They stared at the faltering mechanoid for a moment, and then Rimmer came to the quite frankly horrifying realization.

"You don't know what to do, do you?" he said.

"Er…I'm afraid not sir."

At that moment, Lister abruptly turned around and walked away. He strolled further into the cargo bay and vanished in the darkness.

"Let's keep up with him," Rimmer said. "We don't know what he'll do next."

"Yeah," Cat said as he led them on. "He might urinate on the main switching unit. It looks like a fire hydrant, you know."

* * *

Holly was monitoring their progress on one screen and was working out the situation on another. He watched the numbers and equations scroll past him, trying to get his archaic operation systems to give him his answers. The others were counting on him, and he needed to figure this one out in a hurry.

However, this was an entirely new phenomenon. It had never happened before. The very idea of a human transforming into a Genetically Engineered Life Form was unheard outside of books and that crap television special from 2189. He'd checked through all the medical records from Earth, including some that had arrived in the post pods that had been routinely turning up at least every two weeks. It just didn't happen.

A human changing into a GELF. The very idea!

So he realized he'd have to start from scratch. He was never very good at that. For a start, it meant he'd have to try and figure out just where that phrase even came from. How could you start from scratch? What is a scratch? When was the itch that prompted that saying? It was so ludicrously a human thing to say.

Then he realized, like he always did, that he was getting sidetracked, and he tried to get a look at the data again. There had to be something he wasn't considering. Some sort of hidden figure that he'd overlooked. He read each bit of data three times in under a minute and came up empty.

Holly was getting worried. Surely he could come up with something. Anything he could do at this point.

And then he saw something looking at him underneath another circuit board.

He dug around frantically, hoping to get at it. He'd known all along that something was wrong, and he needed to make sure Kryten's plans were foolproof.

Finally, it was looking right at him. Something he hadn't reckoned with.

Holly's eyes widened as he stared at it.

It was always _something_, wasn't it?

He reread the data multiple times, hoping by some miracle it would somehow say something else. But it didn't, so he was stuck with it.

He hoped beyond hope that the others believed in the phrase, "Don't shoot the messenger".

* * *

Early morning hours came at last, and the dawning of a new "day" arrived.

Rimmer was back in his bunk, half-asleep, and clutching a bazookoid in his hands as he lay against his pillow, snoring softly.

They had lost track of Lister eventually, and not exactly up for chasing him in the dark for the rest of the night, they came to the conclusion that he would return to his bunk at some point. After all, it was where he'd been turning up every morning since it happened. His natural instincts seemed to always bring him home each night.

So the others had gone back to bed, leaving Rimmer to try and greet Lister when he came back. He'd held onto the bazookoid just in case. Exhaustion was slowly claiming him, however, and now he was about to completely nod off.

But then he heard a loud thudding sound coming from the corridor that snapped him back awake. Sitting up and clutching the bazookoid again, he watched the doors slowly slide open.

The GELF slowly toddled inside, and he absently pressed the button on the wall, closing it behind him. He stumbled slightly as he walked, bumping into the motorbike on the way. He absently glanced at Rimmer and raised a large hairy hand in greeting.

Rimmer waved back, smiling as pleasantly as he could without being sick.

And then it happened.

The GELF was slowly becoming Lister again. Everything retracted, the hair, the teeth, even the copious amounts of drool seemed to be sucked back up again. A small human man, who was clearly asleep, finally replaced everything.

And all that grunting and growling turned back into Lister's trademark snore.

Rimmer covered his eyes at Lister's naked form.

But then, Lister did something rather interesting. He reached up into the bunk and pulled down the pair of boxers he'd gone to bed in, and began to put them on, in his sleep. Then he pulled down last night's t-shirt and slipped it on as well.

And without a word, he climbed back up into the bunk and settled back under the blankets, snoring away.

Rimmer sat there, very disorientated by the whole experience, and slowly felt sleep begin to claim him as well.

The last coherent thought he managed was: _What the smeg now?_


	12. Against a Clock

The next day was rather awkward, especially where Lister was concerned.

The Scouser was sitting at the desk in the sleeping quarters, going over some readouts with growing concern. Rimmer was sitting in his bunk, determinedly reading a book, stealing concerned glances at his bunkmate every few minutes.

Lister went through some more papers before resting on his elbows in frustration and despair. "Smeg…," he murmured.

Rimmer looked up again for the six hundred and fifty-eighth time. "Problem, Listy?"

"It's the supply inventory," Lister replied, waving a sheet of paper at him with black and white computer tech written on it. "According to this, we've somehow lost six hundred instant-curries and five hundred cans of lager!"

Sounded about right, Rimmer reflected. "Oh dear…," he murmured.

Lister scratched his head, pondering. "I'm telling you, wherever Speed's got to, he's hiding himself pretty damn good. At this rate, we'll have no food left on the ship!"

"Kryten says we've got plenty of food," Rimmer assured him. "You heard what he said this morning."

"Yeah, I heard alright! All we've got left in ample supply are the low-cal beers, sprouts, pot noodles and coconut crème cakes!"

Despite the deeply sickening nature of the situation, Rimmer couldn't resist another trademark sarcastic comment. "Oh, how my heart _bleeds_. How_ever_ will you survive?"

Lister glared at him and continued going over the readouts.

At that moment, the monitor in the wall flashed and Holly appeared, looking pensive.

"Arnold," he said calmly. "I need your help with something in the Drive Room." His eyes darted over to Lister for a split second, trying to get across the real meaning.

Glad to have a reason to leave the room and the awkwardness within, Rimmer got to his feet and ditched the book. "I'm on my way, Holly," he said authoritatively.

"What's going on, Hol?" Lister asked, twisting around to see the computer's face.

"Nothing, Dave, not to worry."

"Then what do you need Rimmer for?"

"Nothing, Dave."

"Then what do you need him for?"

"Nothing, Dave."

"_Holly_…"

Rimmer quickly strolled through the open hatchway. "Well, this has been fun. See you later, Listy!" he called out over his shoulder. "Close!"

The double doors slid shut behind him with a loud thud.

Lister stared at them, confused and a little bit hurt, before going back to looking things up on the computers.

* * *

Rimmer strolled hurriedly into the Drive Room, finding the Cat and Kryten arriving as well through the opposite hatch. Holly appeared on the screen above them.

"What's happening? Have we found Speed yet?" he asked urgently.

"Not yet," Holly replied. "I've been going over the DNA scan from the saliva sample you, er, 'collected' last night, Arnold…"

Rimmer grimaced.

"…and I've found some rather unpleasant details that may help us understand Dave's problem."

"'Problem'? That's what we're calling it? A problem?" Cat asked.

"What is it, Holly?" Kryten asked.

"Apparently, Dave's transformations are starting out gently, meaning there's still time to help him. However, I calculate that he has about two nights left before the changes become irreversible."

Rimmer visibly blanched. "Irreversible?" he squeaked out. "Why?"

"Well, like you said, he's not exactly dangerous right now. He's really just a bit…domesticated."

"Not entirely," Kryten muttered. "Not enough Spray Wash in the universe, I tell you…"

"What happens when the transformation is permanent?" Rimmer asked.

"By then, he'll have become a full-fledged GELF, and quite beyond our power to help him, and we ourselves will feel the full wrath of his GELF nature."

The three _Dwarfers _let this sink in for a moment.

"…Ominous," Cat remarked.

"Well then, we'll need to double our efforts, sirs," Kryten said decisively. "We _must _find Speed and bring him back so that we may save Mr. Lister."

"But we haven't been able to find him for days!" Rimmer reminded him. "He could be _galaxies _away by now! We'll never find him in time!"

"We must _try_, sir! For Mr. Lister's sake!"

Rimmer and Cat glanced at each other, both clearly weighing their options.

Kryten shook his head in almost-annoyance and waddled past them. "I have work to do repairing the machine," he said hotly. "You two need to find Speed straight away."

* * *

It had taken a few years for Rimmer to familiarize himself with _Starbug_'s controls, but thankfully, by this point, he'd figured everything out. He diligently pressed the buttons and checked the readouts.

"One GELF the size of a rabbit in outer deep space," he muttered. "It's like looking for an interesting video clip on YouTube."

"We've already looked around the ship," the Cat pointed out, sitting at the helm. "Maybe we should backtrack the way we came."

"What for? He could've gone in _any _direction!" Rimmer glared at the Plexiglas viewscreen with disgust. "Could they maybe make the universe a little bit _bigger_?" he grumbled sarcastically.

It wasn't that Rimmer and the Cat couldn't understand the size of the situation. It was a very important task before them. However, having such an awesome responsibility did not make the day go by any faster, or make the task at hand any easier.

Rimmer grumbled some more, feeling as though the sheer hugeness of the universe was a plot just to inconvenience him. He extended the scanner's navigation program to search out another quadrant of space. Still nothing.

"This is hopeless," he sighed. "Lister's doomed. We might as well just blow his brains out now and put the poor wretch out of his misery."

"No way!" Cat exclaimed. "Killing the monkey is _not _an option."

Rimmer was surprised. "Really? Why's that?"

"Where would we get a coffin big enough for him?"

Grimacing in disgust, Rimmer checked the long-range scans again. "We're still not picking up any readings. If there were any GELFs in the area, we'd be able to pick him up."

But then the Cat straightened up in his seat. His nostrils flared and he looked around the cockpit eagerly. "Do you smell that?" he asked quietly.

"Nope." He didn't even look up.

Cat looked out into space. "I'm getting something up the left nostril, and it smells wee-_ird_!"

"Is it the GELF?"

"I'm not sure…"

"What do you mean you're not sure?"

"I'm not sure…"

Rimmer pounded his desk in frustration and strolled over to the feline from behind his chair, putting an agitated elbow on the back. "What's it smell like?"

"Sorta GELFy…"

"Then wouldn't that suggest that it's a _GELF_…?"

"Normally, but not this time… There's something else too… It's like…two things at once."

"Two things at once?"

"Like it's…half-GELF…half-_human_!"

Rimmer's eyes widened. "Wait… Both Lister _and _Speed were hooked up to the machine, and through that, they were temporarily linked. You don't suppose that…"

"That what?"

"You don't suppose that they're slowly turning into _each other_, do you?"

Cat snapped his fingers, realizing that could be the case.

And that was when _Starbug _suddenly dipped forward, causing them both to plunge into the main desk.

Rimmer slowly brought his head up as a shower of sparks rained down above him. "What the smegging hell was _that_?"

Cat gulped. "I think we found Speed…"


	13. Awkward Truths

**Author's Notes: **_I have no job. I have no life. I just have this story. For now, anyway. I don't want to be melodramatic about it. _

_

* * *

_

Not sure how to handle being attacked by a creature that was half-GELF, half-slobby crewmate, Rimmer and the Cat set _Starbug _on auto-pilot and set about trying to find a way to reign him in without getting themselves killed. They knew Speed's chomping power was rather powerful, so they prepared themselves by ripping open the munitions cabinet and grabbing a pair of bazookoids.

"Right, be on your toes," Rimmer said, trying to squelch every instinct telling him to leg it. "Absolute concentration. He could be anywhere right now."

"Man, where's Half-Eaten Lollipop Head when you need him and his Psi-Scan?" Cat said shakily, trying to load the cartridge into the back of his weapon.

Rimmer snorted and involuntarily responded with, "Oh, you need Kryten to feel secure? Here, let me try." And then he took on a psuedo-version of Kryten's, for lack of a better word, accent. "Ahh, Mr. Cat, let's just look at the Psi-Scan. Ah-ha, it says he's _somewhere_."

Cat grimaced. "Okay, no need for sarcasm. Don't get your pips in a twist."

Rimmer glared at him and then ran over to one of the monitors on the wall, pressing the keys on the in-the-wall keyboards to punch up an image.

"What're you looking for?" Cat asked.

"Trying to lock onto his position. Let's see if we can just narrow the field a little, hmm?"

He flicked through various images, trying to find something moving about. The cockpit –

"No…"

The hull –

"No…"

That corridor that was an airlock at one point –

"No…"

The new airlock –

"No…"

The cargo decks –

"No… Damn, where the hell he is?"

"Do you hear that?"

Rimmer looked over at the feline, who was cupping his hand around his ear, as he seemed to be attempting to listen to something in the distance.

"What is it?"

"Not sure… Sounds like footsteps."

"Footsteps?"

"Yeah, and they're heading this way."

Rimmer backed towards the cockpit hatchway instinctively before regaining control of his body and stopping. He took three deep breaths and held tighter to the bazookoid.

"Which way is he coming from?"

"I think from over there," Cat said, gesturing with the neck of his bazookoid at the hatchway that came past the kitchen.

No one was sure when that corridor appeared. Kryten had something about dimensional anomalies caused by a battle with their future selves had changed the ship from within, apparently making it dimensionally transcendental. They all had just shrugged it off at the time. Like the Cat said, nothing ever made sense no matter where they were anyway.

"How close is he?"

"Pretty close. In fact, I think he's getting closer."

Rimmer bit his lip anxiously. "Okay… Okay, get in position. Set on 'stun'. Fire only if threatened."

Cat nodded slowly and leveled the barrel of his gun at the hatchway. Rimmer slowly descended from the cockpit steps and walked slowly beside him, taking aim.

They stood there for fifteen seconds. Not that they were boring seconds, of course not. The footsteps saw to that. They were considerate enough to make the wait interesting by steadily growing louder and louder as the being making them came closer and closer.

And closer…

And closer…

And now so close a shape was taking form.

Rimmer silently took the time to curse everything in existence, while the Cat remained in silent relief that he had dressed appropriately for a mutilation.

Speed arrived.

They stared down at the figure he had become.

He was taking on a slightly more humanoid shape. He was apparently caught in some mid-evolution. He stood about half their height, probably three and a half feet tall. He had less fur around his face, his drool had reduced by about six quarts, and his long claws had become fingernails.

But what were most noticeable were the long dreadlocks spilling off the back of his head, and the lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He had a surprisingly relaxed look in his eyes.

And then he spoke.

"Oi, smegheads! What're you doing, pointing those things at me?"

It was like Lister's voice, but more high-pitched, with a slight rasp to it.

Rimmer and Cat felt the bazookoids dip downwards as their grips loosened. They stared, wide-eyed and mouths hanging open at Speed, who merely looked back, rather amused.

"Well…," Speed mused. "This is gonna take some explaining, isn't it? Sit down before you fall down."

Rimmer and Cat staggered away and fell backwards into the swivel chairs around the scanner table, lost in a daze.

Speed, on the other hand, seemed to have been expecting this, so he ducked behind the kitchen counter and reached into the icebox, pulling out a bottle of brandy and got three glasses from the cupboard.

"Alright, settle in, boys," he said, hopping into a third chair and setting everything down before them. He poured them each a glass. "This is gonna be a long one."

Rimmer and Cat nodded numbly.

* * *

Lister wandered around _Red Dwarf_'s corridors, looking around in a lonely sort of way.

Through Holly he had found out that Rimmer and Cat had taken _Starbug _and taken off. What those two could possibly be doing together was beyond him. The two very rarely got along, and if they ever did, it was only at his expense. Be it finding out he was pregnant or listening to his innermost secrets, they always got a giggle at mocking him.

He'd inquired after Kryten, but Holly said that he was working on the machine, under the pretense that they were going to try it again on Speed once they caught him. Lister didn't care for the idea of having his head attached to that infernal contraption. Next time they were going to guess numbers for it. He was determined he'd throw them off by thinking of eight this time.

Lister couldn't help but notice that he felt hungry again for some reason. Rubbing his empty stomach, he walked to one of the machines and pressed the button.

"Welcome to Space Corps Food Services," the tinny voice said. "What would you like today?"

"I'm feeling like a steak right now," Lister said. "Medium-rare with a side of bacon, please."

"Goodness me, are you certain of that?"

Lister rethought his order. It was what he wanted, but he had to admit it sounded daft. "You're right, let me change something real quick."

"I should think so."

"Pour vindaloo sauce all over the thing. Give it that extra pep."

"That's more like you. …Sort of."

There was a hum, and a tray lowered down from who knows where. Licking his lips, Lister grabbed it and headed for the Drive Room, as it was the nearest place he could get to sit down.

He made it there a few minutes later. He grabbed a lager from the machine and headed for one of the desks to tuck in. As he began his meal, he noticed a skutter go whirring past him, holding a spanner in its beak.

"Hey, Bob, what's up?" he called out.

Bob whistled in reply and carried on.

Lister resumed his meal, and he ate heartily for about a minute before he heard a voice come from up the corridor.

"I said three-fourths, not five-eighths! Stay focused, Bob!" Kryten shouted.

Moments later, Bob rolled past him again in the opposite direction, clearly growling obscenities in some sort of machine language, vocalized through his revving motors.

Lister watched him depart through the opposite hatch, and feeling his curiosity grow stronger than his hunger, he picked up his tray and headed towards the lab.

He found Kryten standing next to the remains of the machine. He was tutting and mumbling something as he went through his various tools, trying to find the right one to throw at Bob the next time he screwed up.

"Krytes? Everything okay?"

Kryten let out a yelp and whirled around, startled by Lister's arrival. "Oh, sir! Oh, I was just… I was… There's a problem with the…er…doohickey, I'm afraid, sir."

"The doohickey?"

"Yes, sir, the doohickey. It's having a negative reaction with the…er…thingamabob, unfortunately. They simply will not connect properly. It's taking a bit of time."

"Well, don't worry. We got plenty of time," Lister said assuringly.

Kryten squeaked worriedly as he tried to look innocent.

"What's wrong? We got a time limit on this now?"

"What makes you say that?"

"You squeaked."

"Sir?"

"Whenever you make that sound like Stan Laurel getting nailed in the business, it usual means something's up. What's up?"

"Up, sir? Oh, nothing is up! Certainly not! What an idea!"

"Is it serious?"

"Nothing serious at all, sir! Of course not! Nothing serious!"

"Kryten, for smeg's sake, lie mode cancel or something. Just level with me, eh?"

Kryten quietly and calmly said, "Lie mode cancel," and then threw his arms around Lister, causing him to drop his tray and spill his lunch. "OH, SIR, HOW COULD WE?"

Lister ignored his strange instinct to eat his lunch off the floor and struggled to console the sobbing mechanoid. "How could you what, man? Explain!"

"You're a _GELF_, sir!"

His eyes must've widened at this, because suddenly the room became much brighter. "I'm a _what_?" he asked in his disbelieving tones.

Kryten released Lister shakily, backing away like a beaten dog towards the corner. "The machine, sir, it linked your mind with Speed. Now whenever you fall asleep, you turn into a GELF, much like he did."

Lister stared at him. He felt the room spinning around him as he fumbled around for a chair. He tried to come to terms with what was being said to him. His brain tried to wrap itself around the concept that for the past few nights, he'd been turning into a tall, slobbering, maniacal beast with all the appeal of a drunken Jimmy Saville.

He tried to, but a few seconds later, he realized that he was now eating the steak he'd dropped earlier. He blinked with confusion, staring down at the half-eaten meat. He looked at Kryten, who looked both surprised and sad.

Slowly removing the steak from his mouth and swallowing what he had, he asked, "Are you telling me the truth, Kryten?"

Kryten nodded nervously. "Yes, sir. I'm afraid so."

Lister looked around the room, lost and confused.

Kryten bravely pedaled on. "But we _are _working to rectify the situation, sir. I'm making good headway on the machine."

"You just said it was going horribly."

"And Mr. Rimmer and the Cat have gone out to find Speed so we can transfer your new GELF traits back over to him, sir. We should have you back to normal before tomorrow night, with any luck."

"What happens tomorrow night?"

"Well, er… Holly says that by that time, the change will be so in-grained it'll be permanent."

Lister groaned. "Smeg… This just isn't my week, is it? For god's sake, why does everything happen to me? Why am I the one who gets impregnated or turned into a chicken or kissed by a giant dung beetle or married to a GELF or has his arm chopped off or…or…or has his guitar used to smash a machine? Why am I the one who has to be the last human? Why am I the one who finally reunites with me one true love only for her to be in love with a different me? Why the smeg do I keep finding that someone's gone through an entire bog roll in a day at _least _once a month? Who the smeg is using that?"

He collapsed into his chair again, this time not focusing on the steak and instead finding great interest in looking at nothing in particular. His entire head was swimming with questions, but he was too disoriented to figure out the answers.

At that moment, Holly's visage appeared on the monitor in the room. "Sorry to gooseberry, mates, but Arnold and the Cat just returned with Speed."

Kryten lit up. "They've found him?"

"Yeah… I think they might be drunk."

Lister scrunched up his face. "Drunk?"

"Yeah. This might take awhile. Suggest you go and meet with them."

"We're on our way, Holly," Kryten said. "Come on, Mr. Lister."

"A drunk GELF," Lister mumbled, following the mech out of the room. "Not since my wedding night, I tell you."

They left the room in silence.

Then, three seconds later, Lister ran back inside, snatched up the remainder of the steak and a little bit of bacon and ran back after him again.


	14. Self Familiarization

**Author's Notes: **_I feel it only fitting to credit Bill Hicks for most of Lister and Speed's conversation in the upcoming bunkroom scene. Poor old Bill died in 1994, but his legacy lives on, and a version of it can be seen here. Enjoy._

_

* * *

_

Lister's head was still swimming by the time they got down the Landing Bay. They were just in time to see the embarkation ramp slither down from _Starbug_'s midsection through a thick cloud of steam from when the craft had touched down. They walked cautiously towards it, waiting for any signs of life.

"Sirs?" Kryten ventured carefully. "Is anybody up there?"

There was no response.

Lister squinted up into the midsection door, waiting for some sort of movement. "Cat? Rimmer? …Speed?" he called out. "You guys okay in there?"

For an entire five seconds, there was no reply.

And then, bizarrely enough…

"_Show me the way to go home…_

_I'm tired and I wanna go to bed…_"

Lister and Kryten listened in quiet fascination as a trio of voices warbled out of the green craft. Two of the voices were undeniably Rimmer and the Cat, but a third voice was singing that Lister didn't quite recognize. It sounded familiar though.

And then they saw a very strange sight come down the ramp.

Rimmer and the Cat were both staggering towards them, their arms interlocked with a strange-looking creature in between them. A strange-looking creature with dreadlocks and a cigarette dangling from its mouth.

And all three were patently "pished".

"_I had a little drink about an hour ago…_

_And it went straight to my head_!" they continued.

Lister couldn't get his eyes to narrow. He stared at the creature in shock, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. And the fact that it was singing in very imperfect harmony with Rimmer and Cat of all people was something of a vision.

"Sirs?" Kryten spoke up, trying to gain some attention. "What's happened to you?"

"And who the smeg is this guy?" Lister demanded, glaring head-on at the creature.

"Ohhh, Lisssssty!" Rimmer said in a voice that was half-drunk, half-patronizing. "Lissssty, Listylistylisty, _Lissshhttyy_!"

Lister sighed and shook his head.

But Rimmer had the strength to continue. "You'll never guess in a _million_ years who _this _chap is. Nosireebob! No…no, no…"

"It's Speed, isn't it?"

Cat whistled with a laugh. "Damn! A million years sure goes by _fast_!"

And the trio laughed and whinnied, grabbing onto the railing for support, lest they fall on the ground and kill their respective buzzes.

"But sirs, how is this possible?" Kryten demanded, trying to steady the inebriated crew and get some answers.

"Weeell…," Speed slurred, grabbing onto Cat's arm for support. "It shuh bitofa funny story…"

"How funny?" Lister demanded.

"Humor is relative, Listy, less put it that way," Rimmer sighed, waiting for his knees to stop knocking.

"He's you!" Cat blurted out.

"He's me what?" Lister asked, not getting it.

"Oh my," Kryten said suddenly, the little light bulb almost appearing over his head.

"What is it?"

"He's you, sir."

"Eh?"

"Sir, think about it. You're turning into him, so he's turning into you."

"Eh?"

"…Sir, please, I can _not _make this any simpler."

Lister stared at Speed, who just grinned drunkenly back, his blinking out of synch.

"Oh smeg."

* * *

A few hours later, Lister was lying in bed, trying to come to grips with everything that had happened in the past couple of days. He was still trying to wrap the physics around his brain, but he found he wasn't getting anywhere. He had attempted getting plastered along with the others, but found he was too depressed to even drink. So he just lay in his bunk, waiting for the change to take him again.

He heard the sound of the doors opening and winced. The last thing he needed right now was a hung over Rimmer. The others had fallen asleep in the lift, so he'd just left them there to figure things out. They hadn't seemed too out of it, so a couple glasses of water would probably put them to rights.

But right now, he just wanted to wallow in self-pity, so he just rolled over in his bunk and squeezed his eyes shut. "Whoever it is, go away and sleep it off elsewhere."

"Hey, mate, come on, that's no way to treat yourself."

Lister rolled over at the strange voice and stared down at the GELF looking up at him. Speed's eyes were the same brown as his own, and he could definitely see traces of his own face merged in there.

"Oh, it's you…," he said. "How've you been?"

"Eh, not bad," Speed replied, jumping up into one of the swivel chairs. "Just, you know, floating about in space. Did a figure eight yesterday. That was something."

"Brutal."

There was an awkward pause.

"So what do we do?" Lister asked at last.

"Kryten says he'll have the machine ready by tomorrow. We just need to hang in there, and we'll get you back to normal."

"What about you, though? What's gonna happen to you?"

Speed shrugged. "Haven't decided yet. Thinking about going back to normal. I'll just steer clear of you from now on. Shouldn't be too hard. I think space was pretty fun before. It'll still be fun afterwards."

He paused in thought.

"Of course, I'll miss getting drunk. Those guys are fun to get drunk with."

Lister grinned wryly. It struck him as no coincidence that the only time all four of them could ever truly get along was when they were all drunk out of their minds. "Yeah, they are, that."

"And I'll miss smoking. There's just something about the tar in my lungs that gives me some character, you know?"

"You know what they never tell you? Sure, hundreds of smokers die everyday, but then so do hundreds of _non_smokers! I hate when nonsmokers get this whole immortality thing in their heads."

"Yeah, you remember Yul Brynner?"

"The cue-ball guy?"

"Yeah, him. He was a lifetime smoker. When he died, they released a commercial he'd made just before he died."

"Oh yeah, I remember that commercial. I think I saw it in his video collection."

"Yeah, bonus features. Remember that? _'I'm Yul Brynner, and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes.'_"

"Man, what the hell is this guy selling?"

They both laughed uproariously.

"And remember that health nut? What was his name?"

"That twentieth century jogger?"

"Yeah, him."

"I think it was Jim Fixx."

"That's the smegger. He died, he was a famous jogger, and we don't know _what _the smeg happened! He jogs everyday, ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and he died. Yul Brynner drank, smoked and got laid every night of his life, and _he _died."

Lister smirked. "Yeah, hard to tell who had the better life," he said with a chuckle. "I always figured I'd die because of cigarettes. Not because of the cigarettes themselves, because a bunch of nonsmokers chased me and beat the tar out of me."

"Bet you Rimmer would be at the front of the stampede."

"Yeah, he would too, with his No Smoking signs on a picket."

They both chuckled at the idea.

And then it went quiet again.

"What're you gonna do, man?" Lister asked again.

Speed sighed and put out his cigarette on one of Rimmer's revision sheets. "I dunno, man. I'll just wait and see what happens."

Lister nodded somberly and lay in silence.

"I can't do this."

Speed looked up. "Do what?"

"I can't turn into a GELF again, man. I have no control when it happens. I've nearly destroyed this ship several times. What if I go completely berserk? What if I end up _killing _someone? I can't lose control tonight. I have to keep it together."

"How do we do that? Every time you fall asleep, the inner-GELF comes out."

Lister hopped down from his bunk. "Well, there you have it! It only happens when I'm asleep! I just need to stay awake until the machine is repaired and put to rights and we're both better!"

"And how the hell are you gonna do that?" Speed demanded. "I know what you're like. You love sleep. If it weren't for bedsores and bathroom breaks, you'd probably live there like Ron Nasty and his fictitious wife."

"There's gotta be some way to do it. Need some sugar and caffeine in my system. Get some cups of coffee from the machine. Get the retinas jammed open and have a good time."

And with that determination, Lister hurried for the nearest vending machine.


	15. Up All Night

Rimmer had come to in the lift with a slight hangover. He found a glass of water sitting on the armrest of his chair with a sticky note on its side that read: _Drink up, Smeghead._ Scowling, he took the note and crumpled up and tossed at the Cat's sleeping form across the lift. He downed it all in three gulps and waited a moment for it to reawaken his brain cells.

Once he was feeling a little better, he ordered the lift to take him back to his quarters. Upon checking the digital clock on the wall, he saw that it had been about seven hours. That meant it was nighttime. That meant that Lister was probably in bed by now.

Probably about to change back into the huge hideous creature that spilled its unspeakable slobber all over the place.

Rimmer thought about this. If Lister was changing into the GELF right now, returning to his quarters wasn't looking to be a very good option. On the other hand, there was every possibility it hadn't happened yet, and that would leave him with enough time to grab a few possessions and hightail it for a different room for the night. Preferably the sleeping quarters in _Starbug_, a good few light-years away from _Red Dwarf_.

After an internal 'Ippy-Dippy', he decided to go. Just run in, grab his pajamas, a book and his beloved slippers before hightailing it out of there. Simple. Wouldn't take more than five seconds. Two and a half if he avoided small talk.

He arrived at the appropriate floor and headed down the corridor, heading for those dreaded double doors at the very end of it. But as he got closer, he realized he could hear something. It sounded like chanting coming from within the sleeping quarters. Worried, Rimmer sped up and got to the doors a bit sooner. He prepared himself to run in, grab what he needed and dash back out. Two and a half seconds. Lickety-split.

He pressed the door button. The doors slid open.

He stared openly at the scene before him.

A small television had been wheeled into the room, and seated side-by-side in the top bunk were Lister and Speed. Both were staring at the television with excitement, pumping their fists and chanting.

"Go! Go! Go! Go!"

Rimmer leaned to the left to get a better look at the screen.

"_Ladies Mud Wrestling Volume XIX: Revenge From the Murky Deep_?" he asked incredulously.

"Don't knocking wrestling, man," Lister snapped.

"Yeah, it's an art form," Speed added.

Rimmer groaned internally. "Oh great, he's found a new playmate."

At that moment, Kryten appeared in the doorway with a trolley with various contents on it. "Here is your supper, sir," he said, coming to a halt in front of the two Listers.

"Brutal, man, pass it on," Lister said, taking a bowl eagerly.

"What's that?" Rimmer asked, unable to get a good look.

"M&M's."

"…M&M's? You're having M&M's for supper?"

Kryten passed up a thermos as well. "And your coffee, sir. Three creams, sixteen sugars, as per request, sir."

"Good lord, Lister, is that what that noise is? I swear, I can hear your heart beating from here…"

"Hey, hey, man, I need this," Lister insisted. "This is the only way to ensure I don't turn into the Thing From the Swamp anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Look, this only happens when I'm asleep, right?"

"Right."

"So if I'm not asleep, I can't turn into a GELF, right?"

"Er… Kryten?"

"Right, sir."

"Right, yes, of course."

Lister grinned. "_So_ all I have to do is stay awake until the machine is repaired. And Kryten says it'll be done by tomorrow night."

"Indeed, sir."

Rimmer stared. "You're going to stay awake until tomorrow night?"

"Yep!"

"You intend to stay awake for an entire thirty hours?"

"However long it takes."

"Why can't we just put you stasis until it's over?"

"We can't."

"Why ever not?"

"I destroyed the corridor leading to the stasis booths last night."

"What?"

"It's true, sir," Kryten explained. "During his tirade last night, Mr. Lister completely destroyed the structural integrity of the corridors leading to the stasis booths. Skutters are performing repairs right now. It's about as fragile as an old lady's hip."

Rimmer groaned again. "Fine, why don't we just dump him on a planetoid somewhere until it's out of his system for another day?"

"It would require a breathable atmosphere, sir, and there are no S3 planets within the area."

"Face it, man," Speed piped up. "This whole thing's been figured out four ways to Sunday."

Rimmer pinched his nose. "Fine, fine, whatever, do what you like, but I'm going to bed. Preferably, in another room with heavy-duty door locks."

"Fine with me, man," Lister replied.

And so, after decidedly more than two and a half seconds, Rimmer finally gathered the possessions he had come for and headed back up the corridor for the lift.

* * *

The night wore on and on.

Three hours later, Lister and Speed were playing air guitar to Rasta Billy Skank. The music blared out of their quarter's boom box speakers. They were determined to keep Lister's energy levels high so he wouldn't nod off anytime soon. To ensure this, they were singing the lyrics, jumping up and down and gulping down cans of _Red Bull_. It had an interesting effect on them, including the fact that they weren't technically singing anymore, but rather were babbling incoherently in tune with the music.

All this activity was not going unnoticed. They were just getting into the third song – the one where the drummer went insane halfway through and killed two of the groupies in the recording studio – when the doors slid open and in stepped the Cat, who looked really irritated.

"Excuse me, buds…," he began, but he realized rather quickly that whatever he said was being drowned out by the laughable imitation of music.

Lister and Speed hadn't even heard him come in.

"Buds!" he called out a little louder, but still nothing.

Annoyed at the lack of attention he was receiving, Cat reached over and pressed a button on the console that switched off the music. To his immense relief, the horrible sounds were gone in an instant.

But Lister and Speed were still bouncing up and down and singing something incomprehensible, apparently not noticing.

"Hey, buds! The music's gone now! Snap out of it!"

But they didn't respond.

"…You still bopping to whatever's left in your brains?"

Realizing he was getting nowhere fast, Cat turned to one of the lockers in the corner of the room. He dug around Rimmer's possessions until he found something that he knew for a fact that Lister hated. It was something that was only reserved for when Rimmer _really_ wanted protocol to be observed.

It was an air horn – the only thing in these vast cosmos that could possibly wake the monkey up.

Cat held it out to Lister's ear when it got close enough, stuck a finger in one of his own ears, closed his eyes and pressed the button.

The effect was instantaneous.

Lister's eyes widened as he was finally broken from the music's strange spell. He leapt to the side in shock, in an attempt to get away from the device, but he only succeeded in knocking down the equally stunned Speed, who found himself suddenly beneath Lister's bottom.

Upon locating Cat and the air horn, Lister went into a tirade. "What the hell was that for?" he demanded.

Cat sniffed as he put the air horn back. "Huh! That's the thanks I get for snapping you two knuckleheads out of it?"

"Snapped us out of what?" Speed demanded, struggling to get out from under his human doppelganger.

"I turned the music off and you were still shaking your respective portly tail feathers. Obviously it had some sort of supernatural effect on you!"

And then Lister seemed to realize that it was true. The music had indeed ceased playing. He looked around in confusion before focusing on the Cat again. "Why'd you turn it off?"

"Because I want to sleep! That's what we cats enjoy doing! And we can't enjoy it if you two stooges are playing your rock-and-roll music all night!"

Lister grumbled and waved him off. "Alright, alright, we'll turn it down a bit."

"How about you turn it off completely?" Cat snapped.

"We can't," Speed said, getting up and stretching. "We need to keep him awake so he won't transmogrify during the night."

"Yeah," Lister said, feeling a yawn escape from his mouth. "I can't fall asleep, man. That's the only time I lose control."

"Well, too bad, because I need to snooze," Cat replied. "Find some other _quieter _way to stay awake. I need my sleep."

Lister leaned against the bunks, clearly losing energy.

"You okay?" Speed asked.

"Energy crash…," Lister said quietly. "Need a boost. Pass me an energy drink."

Speed went through the various energy drinks that littered the top of the table, picking one at random. "Alright, get this down your gob," he said.

But Lister didn't move from his spot.

Speed and Cat exchanged glances worriedly before looking at him again.

"Bud?"

"Hey, man, you okay?"

For the longest, tensest moment, Lister didn't respond. And then he looked in their direction.

And his eyes were a soulless black.

"Augh!" Cat shrieked, jumping back. "He's changing again!"

And then he nearly lost track of Speed as he leapt through the air and was suddenly on Lister's shoulders. He pinched his look-alike's nose, and when Lister gasped for breath, he poured the energy drink down his esophagus. There was a gurgling noise as the half-asleep human swallowed, and Speed leapt down again, prepared to grab Cat's hand to drag him out of the room should the need arise.

For another long moment nothing happened.

Then Lister started shaking his head, and then he slapped his face a couple of times and blinked heavily three times, and on the third time, his eyes were revealed to have changed back to normal.

"Hoo…," he gasped, feeling his face. "That was a near one. Cheers, Speed."

Speed nodded but was still cautious as he approached him. "Yeah," he said. "I think it's time for another shower."

Lister moaned. "Oh great, another freezing cold shower. Just what I need."

"Actually, it is," Cat said, feeling relieved. "Bud, you're so jacked up, you're sweating like a pig."

Lister glared at him, but he headed for the shower again anyway. Speed made to follow him.

"Whoa, you're going in with him?" Cat asked, surprised.

Speed shrugged. "I have to make sure he stays awake. Besides, it's nothing I haven't seen. None of it's new to me."

And Cat decided to let it go at that.

* * *

Hours wound by on the clocks within _Red Dwarf_, and Lister was growing more and more certain about one particular fact: life sucks.

It had been fifteen hours now. He was in the exercise room, running on a treadmill at twenty miles per hour. Sweat was pouring down his face profusely, but he was determined to keep going, mainly because Speed was positioned behind him with a large cactus, and if he lost his footing, he ram right into it.

He'd been at this for so long that he didn't notice when Holly appeared on a nearby monitor. The computer stared at the scene before him before speaking. "Keeping busy, eh?"

Lister tried to speak between frantic gasps for breath. "Gotta – keep – a – wake – Holly. Gotta – keep – moving – can't – change – 'cause – I'm free – _as a bird_!"

Holly looked momentarily concerned by furrowing his brow. "…Right," he said at last. "Well, Kryten says the machine just needs a few more hours. Should be done by the end of today. Alls going well."

"Glad to hear it, Hol," Speed chirped, looking up from a magazine he'd found discarded on the floor.

"…You both gonna be in here all day?"

"Nah, we'll move on to something else in a bit. He's just gotta keep those energy levels high up. Eh, Dave?"

There was no reply.

"…Dave, you okay?"

But Lister was slowing down a great deal. Upon closer inspection, Holly and Speed noticed copious amounts of drool were spilling from his lowered jaw, and he was starting to snore.

"He's asleep at the wheel," Holly remarked. "Better do something."

But they needn't have worried. In that instant, Lister slipped in a puddle of his own drool and slipped. He lost his balance and ended up sliding backwards along the moving treadmill, straight into Speed's cactus.

Needless to say, he was very awake after that.

"_SMEGGIN' JESUS!_"

And so, Lister was kept awake for another half hour as Speed and two Skutters set to work in removing the needles with pairs of tweezers.

* * *

Several hours passed, and still Kryten did not give up. He toiled away at the machine, desperate to have it working again in time. He applied spanners and screwdrivers to the contraption, adding on or removing bits of metal, connecting wires to other wires. Feverishly, he ran scan after scan on the software. He checked the stability of the molecular torch. He refigured the perfect ratio between the space-time bubble frequency and the spin cycle.

And then he realized he'd somehow started repairing the washing machine for some reason, and so he went back to working on the machine.

But now it was nearing completion. The huge structure stood nearly completely restored in front of him.

"Nearly there, Mr. Lister, sir," he whispered to himself. "Nearly there."

* * *

Lister felt as if he was at death's doorstop.

_No… That didn't sound right. Doorstop? Doormat? Doorknob? Dorothy? Dorothy? Aunty Em? Aunty Em? There's no place like home… _

_No place like home… Earth… Get back to Earth… _

_Earth is good. Curry's good. Krissie's good. _

_Krissie… Almost forgotten about her… I'm moving on… But I can't… Mustn't… _

_And Rimmer… What about him? Is he still out there? Is he even still alive at this point? No, of course not, he's a hologram. He's dead already… _

_No, he's not… You just saw him a few minutes ago. He's alive… _

_The ship changed shape… How'd that happen? Odd. Very odd. Funny odd. _

_Odd. Odd. Odd._

_Odd… Todd… God…_

_Jumpstart the second big bang… The very idea… Someone else already did that. Bow ties are cool… Huh?_

_Smeg… So tired. Can't focus. Losing…_

_Must stay awake… Must stay awake…_

_Somebody get me through this nightmare… I can't control myself…_

_But I see her now… She's saying something…_

_Sleep._

_Sweet and blissful sleep…_

_Mustn't, but…_

_I miss her so much. I just want to see her again._

_Only one way… Must sleep…_

_Mustn't… The others… Don't particularly care for them…_

_But her… I never wanted to wake up… Never asked for anything… Only looking for love… or words to that affect._

_Want her back… Please… Don't go…_

_You bitched and moaned and complained and hated us…_

_But…I loved you, you know? Weird that…_

_Nodding off… Can feel it now… Feel it coming…_

_So sorry, guys… I don't want to… But I need to…_

_Krissie… I'm coming…_


	16. Losing Control

Rimmer strode towards the sleeping quarters feeling very relieved.

Holly had informed him that Kryten had at last completed work on the machine, and soon Lister and Speed would be back to normal. Finally they could start to get things back to normal around here. Lister would back to his old self, and Speed would be chucked back out into the cold void of space where he belonged.

Well, maybe. They hadn't thought that far ahead yet.

But Rimmer was grinning nevertheless as he walked up to the double doors. "Open!" he commanded in his grand voice.

The door slid open, and he saw Lister and Speed inside.

"Wonderful news, Listy!" he said in a rather smugly satisfied sort of voice. "Kryten's finally finished work on the machine! We can get you back to normal now! Although, if you're up for throwing in a few changes here and there, there will certainly be no objections from yours truly. Now come on, meladdo, let's get down there and…"

The remainder of Rimmer's cheery speech came to an end when he noticed Lister hadn't moved the entire time he'd been here. Neither had Speed. Both were conked out on the table, sound asleep.

Dread stuck it's icy cold finger down Rimmer's throat as he nearly gagged with terror. He ran over and began shaking Lister, trying to wake him.

"Lister, don't! Not now! Now while you can still…"

But then he saw the amounts of drool on the table.

And then suddenly Rimmer was on the floor, rubbing his sore rear end from having just been shoved onto the cold metal floor. "Ow! What the smegging –?"

And then Lister was on his feet, his black soulless eyes staring back at him, rows of teeth gleaming in the fluorescent lights.

And then Rimmer was back on his feet and running as fast as he could down the corridor.

The commotion woke up Speed, who snapped out of his daze. "I'm up! I'm up! What's happening?"

And then he saw his doppelganger across the table slowly removing his leather jacket with his hairy hands, which were growing larger by the second.

Speed stared. "Ah-ha. Well, I see it's too late for me to do anything. I'll just, erm – " And he was off, rapidly catching up with Rimmer's retreating form.

At that moment, Holly appeared on the monitor in the corner of the room. "Oi! Dave, did Arnold tell you that Kryten's done with the machine?"

A humongous GELF that was spewing disgusting dribble turned to look at him, growling angrily.

"…No then? Right, I'll be off. Cheerio." And Holly quickly vanished from the screen just a rolling chair went sailing through the air and smashed through it.

The GELF let out a thunderous roar and tore up the corridor, sniffing out its prey.

* * *

Cat and Kryten stood in the science lab, staring up at the rebuilt machine. It was almost a spitting image of its old self, once you got past the huge bandages Kryten had had to use to hold it together.

"…This stinks," Cat said after a considerably thoughtful pause.

"I did my very best, sir," Kryten said, rubbing his hands together fretfully. "It should hold together long enough to repair Mr. Lister's genetic codes and restore him to normal."

"It didn't even work right the first time! How do you know this old tub of guts can hold itself together long enough to finish the job now?"

Kryten looked away nervously, hoping to find some sort of fascination in a nearby electrical cord attached to the fan. "Er, no guarantees, sir, but it's our best chance so far."

Cat groaned with despair.

And then Holly appeared on the nearby screen. "Er, chaps? I think we've got a slight problem."

"What is it, Holly?"

At that moment, Rimmer and Speed skidded into the room, the former promptly diving behind a workbench in terror. Hot on their heels was a loud roar that made the room shake.

"Oh for god's sake…," Cat moaned.

And there he was, towering over them. Lister growled at them with a look of absolute hatred. The only kind of hatred that existed within the mind of a GELF: a hatred for all things human.

Rimmer peeked up over the edge of the workbench. "He's not very puppy-like at the moment. Holly, you said we'd have two more nights before he became _really_ dangerous!"

"I did."

"And yet, _here he is_!"

"He is, yes."

Rimmer growled, tried counting to ten, made it to three, and snapped, "So why's he looking like he wants to kill us?"

"Because it's been two nights."

"What?"

Kryten's eyes widened. "Mr. Lister's attempts to stay awake for the past thirty-six hours means that he bypassed last night's transformation. He was still changing all that time."

"He had a few near misses over the course of the day," Cat pointed out.

"And now the change is irreversible," Holly said.

"So what do we do?"

Everyone took a moment to size up the situation. Lister's huge bulk was now blocking the hatchway, keeping them from getting out.

"It's times like this that it really sucks to be an atheist," Rimmer grumbled.

Cat and Kryten slowly reversed to join him behind the workbench. There was half a chance they'd be able to fight their way out using the tools around them.

But then the problem was taken out of their hands.

A strange blur went sailing over them and collided with Lister, knocking him to the floor and careening into the adjacent wall.

It was Speed, and he had a wily look in his eye as he looked over his shoulder to look at the others. "Run!"

In an instant, Rimmer, Cat and Kryten were legging it out past the konked out GELF and were almost to the lift when they realized what had just happened.

Kryten turned back and shouted. "But Mr. Speed, sir, why are you doing this? He could kill you!"

"Yeah, he could. But never mind about me. I'll hold him off long enough for you to find a way to stop him. Just be quick about it!"

Rimmer had already pressed the call button for the lift, and by now it had arrived. The three crewmates climbed inside and randomly pressed a button, and the doors started to close.

By now Lister was regaining his sense of self and looked around. He was just in time to see the lift doors shut, and the moving lights signified the lift was going down. With renewed vigor, he leapt to all fours and swatted Speed out of the way, and then he bounded down the corridor after them.

Speed looked up just in time to see him smash through the closed lift doors and drop into the shaft below.

"Not quite how I thought this would go, but alright," he muttered. He leapt to his feet and raced after his counterpart.

Lister slid down the cables of the XPress Lift, heading straight for the tiny compartment waiting at the bottom. After dropping at least one hundred floors towards it, he slowed himself down by sticking out his long arms and brought himself to a halt just above it. He jumped down and punched a hole through the recently repaired roof. He tore the metal aside and ducked his head down.

No one was inside.

Letting out a frustrated snarl, Lister smashed through the rest of the roof and landed inside. He sniffed around for a bit before ramming against the doors. After three solid rams, he managed to push them aside and get out into the corridor. He stumbled out and sniffed the air, searching for his prey.

And then he realized that this floor broke off into three different corridors.

Looking down the long dark halls, which were only illuminated by the flashing red warning lights, he saw that no one was in sight within any of them. But his sense of smell revealed that the three fleeing crewmates had split up and each gone in separate directions.

Not one to be deterred so easily, Lister sniffed each corridor. The one on the right smelled like WD-40 and _Windolene_.

The one down the middle smelled like hair gel and fish.

And then the one on the left smelled like cheap aftershave and fear.

Lister growled at the stench as a familiar thought floated through his head: _Smeghead_…


	17. Like Humans Do

**Author's Notes: **_And now we kick off the wait for September 2012 with this next chapter. Gonna be a long seventeen months..._

* * *

Heart pounding, veins pumping and sweat glistening, Rimmer tore up the corridor like Easy Rider on cocaine. His boots clomped down on the metal floor, echoing up and down the passageway. And after about five minutes of solid running, he realized he needed to stop before he was sick, so he slowed to a halt. Moping his brow, he leaned against the wall, breathing heavily.

He took a moment to get his bearings. Where the hell was he? He hadn't stopped to check which floor they'd stopped at. As soon as they'd been out the lift doors, Kryten had suggested they split up and hope the GELF would go after the mechanoid. Rimmer had hoped so too.

"Psst!"

Rimmer jumped and immediately went into a karate stance, and he held this pose for several seconds before he realized the one who'd hissed was Holly, who was looking at him on the screen.

"_Holly_…," he groaned, coming out of the stance and leaning against the opposite wall. "What the hell?"

"Nervous, are you, Arnold?"

"Yes! Yes, I smegging well am! I've got a huge hairy hideous hungry hippopotamus look-alike chasing after me! Why the hell wouldn't I be nervous?"

"Oh, so you do know he's coming up your corridor, yeah?"

"What?"

"Oh, you were just being hypothetical then?"

Rimmer listened carefully, wishing he had the Cat's more acute sense of hearing. At the moment he couldn't hear anything. "How far is he from me?"

"Not far. He should be here any minute."

"Are there any good hiding places along this corridor?"

"Wouldn't make any difference, Arnold. He'd smell you. GELF's are good with sniffing out their prey, much like Charlie Sheen."

Momentarily thrown by the obscure reference, Rimmer stared at Holly for a few seconds, and then he heard the sounds of a galloping horse with a glandular problem.

Lister was coming.

Letting out an involuntary squeak, Rimmer span around and fled up the corridor.

Holly watched him leave for a few moments, and then when he saw Lister coming, he ducked down beneath his screen's edge and waited until the GELF had thundered past before peeking back up again.

Rimmer thudded his way up the corridor, looking for some form of escape. He still didn't know which floor he was on, so he couldn't formulate a plan of action. He saw some broom cupboards and a restroom, but he had a feeling neither would protect him sufficiently enough.

And then he saw a familiar-looking door. He wasn't certain of which door it was, but he something twigged in his memory that it was somewhere important, and he'd been in there before.

Deciding it was worth a try, he slapped his hand on the button outside the door, and it slid open with a mechanical whirr. Then he slapped it again as he dove inside, allowing it slide shut again behind him.

Gasping for breath, he struggled to his feet and looked around in a slight daze, and then his eyes widened as he realized where he was.

It was the Memory Garden.

Rimmer stared at the large headstone at the end of the gangway. They had set this place up shortly after they'd reclaimed the ship some seven years ago. It was out of some sense of common decency that Lister had insisted on. At first Rimmer had thought nothing of the place.

But then they'd had the funeral for Kochanski, and now he was rather glad they'd thought of it.

He was snapped out of his reverie by a loud noise at the door that made him jump into the air and whirl around.

There was a huge dent in the middle of the door. Somebody had clearly punched it, and rather hard it seemed.

And then someone clearly punched it again, creating a second bulge in the door, causing Rimmer to start backing away nervously.

BANG! A third bulge.

BANG! A fourth bulge.

Rimmer backed further and further away, until he was halfway to the tombstone.

BANG! A fifth bulge.

BANG! The door was completely punched through now. The remainder was peeled away like wrapping paper as Lister furiously clawed his was through.

Rimmer let out a squawk of terror as he realized he was trapped.

Lister stumbled through the door and then leapt through the air, landing neatly on all fours with such force that the ground shook, and Rimmer fell over backwards, landing hard on his rear.

Knowing he had no time to tend to his sore backside, Rimmer began crab walking away from the huge GELF before him, whimpering and stuttering, trying to think of something that might appeal to Lister's human side.

But he came up empty and instead started shouting. "_Help! For god's sake, help! Kryten! Cat! Somebody!_"

Nobody seemed to hear him, and Rimmer had to keep backing away from him, staring at the plentiful amounts of drool in fear. He backed up some more, staring back into Lister's featureless eyes, until finally he backed into the tombstone completely, knocking a couple of the picture frames over by accident.

And now he was stuck.

Lister growled at him, rose to his hind legs and went into a windup to give Rimmer an extra-claw-filled smack.

Instinctively, Rimmer reached for something to shield himself with and reached for one of the tipped-over picture frames. He grabbed it with both hands and held it out in front of himself, closing his eyes and hoping for the best.

And he waited…

And nothing happened.

Rimmer slowly opened his eyes again to see what had happened, and he was stunned to see that Lister had stopped. He was frozen in position, his paws still held up in a windup angle.

For the briefest of moments, he thought his crewmate was frozen in time again.

But now, the GELF was backing down, a look of recognition in those black eyes. He backed away, making strange noises. They didn't sound angry or aggressive. Instead, they sounded sad and lonely, like a dog left out in the rain. And then the GELF slowly began to stagger away, sounding very lost and confused.

Rimmer sat there in a stupor, wondering what he'd done, and then he turned the picture around and looked at it. And then his mouth went dry.

Kristine Kochanski smiled at him cheerfully through the picture frame's glass.

"My god…," he murmured, realization hitting him. "Lister… _Lister_!"

But his crewmate had already climbed out through the door. Rimmer shakily got back to his feet and started after him, replacing the picture back in its proper place around the tombstone before he left.

* * *

Speed managed shimmy out through the damaged lift and tumbled out into the corridor. He then tore down the hallway, trying to catch up with his double.

But then he saw him, lumbering slowly up the corridor, looking very depressed and lonesome.

"Mate?" he asked quietly, rather surprised. "You okay?"

Lister slowed to a halt.

Speed observed him carefully. It looked like some sort of internal conflict was taking place. The GELF's anger and urge to destroy seemed to be at odds with Lister's humanity, love and empathy.

The two Listers stared at each other for the longest time.

During this strange stare-off, Rimmer managed to catch up with him, and he took in the strange sight of a tall GELF and a small GELF staring at each other for the longest time.

And then Lister raised a hand out, reaching for Speed.

Rimmer began to back away, wondering for a moment if his humanity had slipped back again.

Speed didn't even flinch.

And then Lister began patting Speed's head, as if he were a pet cat.

Speed grinned and took Lister's giant hand in his tiny one. "Come on, mate. Let's change you back."

And he tugged gently to get Lister to follow, and the two half-GELFs headed for the stairs, with a thoroughly relieved Rimmer following after them.


	18. A Variation on Normality

An hour later, Cat and Kryten reconvened with Holly, who directed them back to the Science Lab, explaining that things were taken care of and Lister was more willing to go through with the process now.

Nevertheless, Cat grabbed one of his homemade crash helmets before they set off. It was a nice one with sparkles and sequin decked out all over it. There was no point in protecting your brain if you could look good doing it, right?

So Kryten and Cat slowly approached the Science Lab, ready for anything. The poked their heads through the hatchway and stared openly at what they saw.

Lister was resting on the floor, being too big for the old chair. Speed was lying down on the opposite gurney. Both had the helmets on their heads, after the Skutters had fetched a new helmet strap to fit Lister's rather large new head.

Rimmer was seeing to the program himself, being directed by Holly, who observed the process on the screen.

Speed glanced up when he sensed others in the room. "Hey, Cat, Kryten, you're here. Come on, Kryts, we got work to do."

Realizing all was well, Kryten walked into the room. He began seeing over everything. "Yes, this all seems to be in order. I think we might be ready to begin."

"How'd you get him to calm down?" Cat asked. "He looks about as loosey-goosey as Cheech and Chong."

"A simple matter of appealing to the side of him that is still Dave Lister," Rimmer said plainly.

Cat and Kryten looked at him, but Rimmer looked a bit uncomfortable, so they decided to just let it go for now.

"But isn't the change permanent now?" Cat asked, still a bit lost.

"Not at the moment," Holly replied. "Dave's in a human state of mind right now. We just need to keep him _in _that state of mind until we're finished here. We should have a few more minutes to change him back, but it'll be touch and go for awhile."

And then they heard a blip from the computers.

"System's primed," Holly said. "I think it's about time to proceed."

"Wonderful, Holly," Kryten said enthusiastically. "We can begin immediately."

"What's gonna happen to me?" Speed asked.

Everyone turned to look at the small GELF on the table. His tone suggested nothing accusatory or any hint of fear, merely curiosity. Just a simple desire to know his final fate.

Then everyone looked at Kryten, hoping he could provide an answer.

The mechanoid cleared his throat and awkwardly began, "I'm not sure, sir. There's a very high chance that once your respective genetic coding is restored, you will both return to your usual states of mind."

"So you're saying I'm gonna turn back into that?" Speed asked, gesturing at Lister.

"Over time, sir, yes. Whereas Mr. Lister should return to normal immediately, you yourself will have to wait awhile before the effects of our machine wear off. I estimate at least two point four days before you are completely back to normal."

Speed considered this for a while. Then he just nodded. "Okay."

Rimmer stared incredulously. "You're okay with that? You're okay with the idea you're going to turn into a hideous monster with all the chomping power of a car crusher?"

Speed shrugged. "I can work out how to take care of the situation. Don't worry. Just get on with it."

They stared at him for the longest time. No one was really sure what they could say to make the situation better.

In the end, Rimmer glanced at Kryten. "Let's get this over with," he said at last.

Kryten nodded. "Right away, sir."

But then the Cat held up a hand. "Hold up," he said urgently. "If this works, is he gonna change back right here and now in front of us?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then before we get this underway, there's one last thing we gotta do."

"What's that?"

Cat turned to the medical cupboard and pulled open the door. He dug around for a few moments before pulling a large medical blanket, which he then proceeded to wrap around Lister's waist.

"Mr. Cat, sir, that was most considerate of you," Kryten remarked.

"Oh please," Cat scoffed. "I did it for _our _sakes. _Nobody _needs to see _that _again."

Rimmer nodded thoughtfully.

"Booting up the machine," Holly announced.

And then the machine warmed up, making a loud humming noise as it got itself going.

Rimmer, Cat, Kryten and the Skutters all backed off, ready to run for it if the machine suddenly went up in flames or exploded.

And then the machine roared into full capacity.

"We're on our way," Holly said. "The progress bar looks like it's watching the shower scene from _Soultaker_."

Finally, the noise quieted down a bit, and Speed let out a slight moan of pain. "Smeg…," he moaned. "I feel like my brain's just be put through a White House interrogation session."

"Halfway there," Holly said. "This is about as far as we got last time. Now we just hope it makes it all the way."

And so it carried on. For ten very tense minutes, the crew stood off to the side, watching this all with a mixture of dread and hope. It was an interesting combination, as they were all preparing to run for cover, and yet they could not look away.

And finally Holly delivered the message they'd been waiting to hear for several days now. "Finished. Process completed. Successful transfer."

"Yes!" Rimmer exclaimed with great relief.

"He's fixed? He's better?" Cat asked.

"Yep. Dave's genetic codes are reading one hundred per cent human now," Holly confirmed.

"Then why's he still look like that?"

"Give him a minute. He just needs to get his face on."

Everyone grimaced at the bad joke and looked at Lister's GELF-y body.

For the longest time, nothing happened.

And then, after a couple minutes, he slowly began to get smaller, and less hairy. Everything was retracted, the teeth, the hair, and now they could hear a familiar snore working it's way out of Lister's mouth.

And a few moments later, a naked human man wrapped in a medical blanket lay before them on the floor.

And then he was awake. He blinked heavily as he took in his surroundings and he realized where he was. He saw the concerned expressions on his crewmates' faces as they hovered over him uncertainly.

"Mr. Lister, sir?" Kryten asked slowly. "How do you feel?"

Lister didn't feel like saying anything at the moment, so he waggled his hand in a 'so-so' gesture. He smacked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, tasting that last little bit of GELF saliva trickle down his throat. He made a face of disgust, and struggled to sit up, wrapping the blanket around himself a little tighter.

"You okay, bud? You look a little pale. You probably need some sun."

And finally, Lister found his voice. "Forget sun… I could _murder _a curry and a pint of bitter."

Rimmer sighed. "Yep, he's back."

And then they heard another moan coming from the gurney next to them, and they all remembered Speed. He was lying on his back, rubbing his temples with great pain. His eyes were squeezed tight as he fought against a killer migraine.

"Speed…?" Lister asked hopefully. "You okay, man?"

"Oooh…," Speed moaned. "Can we make that two curries? I'm famished."

Lister broke out into a chipmunk grin as he slowly began to get up. "Kryten, what do you say? Two curries with poppadoms?"

"And smothered in extra-spicy Tabasco sauce?" Speed added.

"Yeah, and two pints?"

Kryten smiled a plastic smile, relieved to have his beloved human master back. "Of course, sir. Right away, sir." And he hurried off to the kitchens as fast as he could waddle.

Rimmer sighed. "Come on, you ugly git. You need to get dressed."

"Yeah, yeah," Lister sighed. "Come on, guys, let's get out of here. I want as far away from this machine as possible."

"That makes two of us," Speed said, removing his helmet gingerly.

And they headed out the door, leaving the contraption behind for the Skutters to dismantle.

* * *

Hours later, Lister was wandering the corridors of _Red Dwarf_, now fully clothed and back to normal. He was just meandering about, looking out the huge glass windows at the stars. He was just heading for one of the vending machines for a drink when he saw movement out of the corner of his eyes.

Looking down an adjacent corridor, he saw the familiar form of Speed stalking past, not noticing him. He was a long way away, so Lister couldn't quite make him out, but the small GELF was unmistakable. He walked away and vanished around a corner.

Slightly concerned, Lister approached the nearest vending machine and kicked it twice. Twin cans of _Leopard Lager _came tumbling into the receptacle. He plucked them both out and then headed down the other corridor.

He eventually caught up with Speed, who was working with the airlock. It caused a bit of dread to vibrate throughout his stomach as he realized. Speed was planning to leave. In the back of his mind, he had always known this was the ultimate outcome. The GELF couldn't stay. He could change back at any time. It was hard enough to say goodbye as it was, but to have Speed trying to sneak off like this without saying goodbye was very…

Well, it was very him, actually. Lister could recall the times he'd ended a potentially wonderful relationship once it became a "relationship". He could think back to how many girlfriends he'd left in the lurch once they started to get too serious about them. Although this situation was vastly different, the slight similarities were not lost on Lister.

He cleared his throat, deciding to do something about it. "Hey."

Speed froze where he stood, in the middle of trying open the heavy door on the airlock. He slowly twisted his head around to look at his doppelganger. "Hey…," he said awkwardly.

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity.

"So… You taking off?"

"…Yeah… Figured I'd better put some distance between us now before this look wears off."

"Right."

Even more awkwardness floated between them like bad gas.

And then Lister remembered and pulled out the two cans of lager. "Fancy a drink before you scarper?"

Speed looked momentarily surprised, but then he grinned tiredly and grabbed the drink. They cracked open the lids at the same time and clinked their cans together.

"Cheers."

"Cheers."

And they guzzled the drinks down in three simultaneous gulps, followed by stereo belches that echoed up and down the empty corridor. They both chuckled and crushed the cans on their respective foreheads.

Now feeling edge had been taken off, Lister continued. "Sorry about this whole mess, man. We should've just left you alone."

Speed waved the apology off. "Nahh, don't worry about it. Homicidal rampages aside, this hasn't been _too _bad of a week. Had some good times, laughing, drinking, smoking… Kicked a little arse here and there. Not too bad. Being human's not too sucky, it turns out."

Lister grinned wryly. "Yeah, it's not too bad sometimes."

"…Not sure how you handle those relationships, though. Being in love still doesn't make any sense to me."

"Yeah, we haven't exactly worked that one out ourselves, actually," Lister sighed sadly. "It's just one of those things, you know? She makes you crazy when you're with her, but you're miserable when you're without her. She's only standing a foot away from you, and you walk that foot just so you can be next to her. And even though you try to tell yourself a hundred times she's the last thing you need, you realize she's the only thing you want."

"Suddenly, I'm looking forward to changing back."

"Yeah, it's a lot easier for animals."

"Except horses. They have to have sex while everyone's watching them."

"Eh, well, they got nothing to be ashamed of. They got that whole horse thing going on."

They both shared a laugh and then stood in silence for a while.

"Well, I should probably head for Scarper City. Been nice being you, man."

"Yeah, same here… Sorta."

They shook hands firmly, and then looked into each other's eyes for a moment. They held on for a few moments before they finally released each other.

Lister approached the airlock and entered the twelve-digit code into the keypad. There was an electronic hum, and the doors slid open, revealing the airlock inside. Speed walked stoically inside, and then the doors slid shut behind him. A few seconds later, he turned and saw the other doors opening up, and he could feel the vacuum of space tugging at him.

He turned to look through the glass window on the internal doors and saw Lister looking back at him, and he threw him a patented Liverpudlian wink. Lister grinned and winked back.

And then the doors were completely open, and Speed allowed himself to be sucked into the black void of deep space.

Once he regained control and got the hang of the vacuum again, he flew around like a ballet dancer and waved at Lister before hightailing it away from him, determined to put as much distance between himself and _Red Dwarf _as possible.

Lister watched as the GELF vanished into the darkness. And then he just stood there, watching that spot.

And he stood there for at least an hour before he got too tired to stand anymore, and he retreated to his Sleeping Quarters.


	19. Bit of Therapy

**Author's Notes: **_Sorry for taking so long with this last chapter. Reality gave me a swift kick in the teeth awhile ago, and then depression, and then Elisabeth Sladen died, and then more depression, and then a lack of inspiration, and then a few strands of hope, and now that Doctor Who's back and cheered me up a great deal, I got my muse back and nailed it down long enough to write this tiny little closing chapter._

_Enjoy._

* * *

For days, Lister didn't come out of his bunk. He just lay there, wallowing in his self-pity. Whatever medical tests needed to be performed on him, they were forced to perform them right there in the sleeping quarters. Kryten and the Skutters spent an entire day with the mobile medi-unit, running tests and making sure he was well enough to get out of bed.

But it had been a week, and now they were more concerned about him getting bedsores.

On the eighth day of his rekindled depression, Rimmer finally decided that enough was enough and stormed into the sleeping quarters one afternoon, ready to deal with him. He went through the doors and looked into the room.

Lister was watching _The Flintstones _again. It was like his comfort food. For the entire month after Kochanski died, this was the only sound emanating through the closed steel doors. Rimmer had moved to a different room and avoided his crewmate in his time of mourning. It wasn't until the second month that he was allowed to return, and Lister deemed himself well enough to be around others again.

But he'd been lousy company ever since. He'd found less reason to get up in the morning. If he couldn't be in the company of the woman he loved anymore, what was the point? So he'd just sat in bed, ate curry, drank lager and smoked cigarettes.

Rimmer had managed to go the entire time without complaining. He was really proud of the way he'd handled the situation. Just let Lister's grief run it's course, and soon enough, he'd be better again. And then he was. Only a week ago, Lister was finally starting to come out of his shell. He was getting a bit more hitch in his giddy-up, as it were. He passed the time talking to Kochanski's picture and annoying Rimmer.

And Rimmer took it in stride. Most of these jokes and pranks, he could see coming a mile away, but he went with it for Lister's sake. He'd planned to start fighting back again in another month once he was certain the appropriate grieving time was over. Then they'd try to get back to normal.

But then this had thrown a real spanner in the works and all had gone tits up.

Now they were back to square one. Lister was depressed again, and Rimmer knew why. Speed was just another person to add to that long list of people who had left him in some way. Didn't matter that he, Cat, Kryten or Holly were still around. Lister apparently didn't connect with them very well. Speed had been like a sibling. Someone who was in on his jokes and could reminisce with.

In other words, he was a distraction from the cold reality of being alone in the universe with nowhere to call home.

But this was getting ridiculous. Rimmer wanted to put an end to this right now. What was the point in continuing on through deep space with you were just going to lie around in bed all day?

So when he saw the darkened room, he called out the ceiling, "Lights!"

The room was bathed in fluorescent light, and Lister's drowsy, drunken form finally became visible. He was wrapped in a heavy quilt with a cigarette in his ear. He blinked tightly and cursed when he pupils registered the lack of shadows.

"What the hell…? Rimmer, go away!" he yelled.

But Rimmer did quite the opposite. Instead he walked up the television and switched it off and wheeled it away to the furthest corner of the room.

"What the hell are you doing? I was watching that!"

"Lister, you've seen each episode three times each by now. You can quote each episode. You know every little detail."

"I do not!"

"Which episode did Yogi Bear appear in?"

"Episode 88, but that doesn't prove anything."

"How many episodes did the Great Gazoo appear in?"

"Seven."

"During which episode did Pebbles' hair momentarily turn blue for three frames?"

"Episode 122."

Rimmer gave him a triumphantly pointed look as Lister realized.

"Damn…"

"Lister, you've been watching nothing but _the Flintstones_ for a week. For god's sake, can't you see the problem here?"

"You're right, you're right… I really should move on to _The Jetsons_, shouldn't I?"

Rimmer took a moment to rub his temples agitatedly. "No…," he said very slowly, "I mean, don't you think you should stop watching cartoons and _get out of bed_? Maybe take a shower or three? Brush your teeth a bit? Walk?"

Lister glared. "Smeg off, Rimmer. I don't want to deal with this."

"Well, in the words of General Patton: tough beans, you smeghead."

"…General Patton didn't say that."

"Probably not. But I might slap _you_ around a bit if you don't get out of bed."

"Just leave me alone, Rimmer."

"No, I certainly will not. Look at yourself, Lister. You can't keep turning to booze and cigarettes and foot-powered cars each time you feel a bit depressed. I understand that you're hurting and lonely and all that smeg, but for god's sake, the rest of us have to live you. For _our _sakes, get out of bed!"

"Go 'way…," Lister moaned, pulling the blanket over his face and lying down.

"Ohh, Mr. Sad Git or what? Look at yourself! Where's that annoying chirpy gerbil-faced optimism? Where's that chipmunk grin that makes me want to punch you in the face whenever you flash it like an eighty-watt bulb?"

"You don't understand…"

"No, I don't. I honestly don't. I've never allowed myself to care for people like you so stupidly do. I've never felt this heartbreak you're going through, and you know what? If this is what happens to you when you go through this heartbreak, then I don't think I care to ever know how it feels. Right now, you look like a sentient sewage plant."

Lister didn't reply, so Rimmer kept going.

"You have to move on, Lister. Pain and loss are just a part of life. But you have to move on, because god knows that in deep space, nothing new is going to come your way unless you get out of bed and look for it yourself. You need a drive, Lister. You need something to give you purpose before you turn into that weird thing we lock up whenever relatives come over."

Only silence greeted him from beneath the blanket, but Rimmer couldn't tell whether it meant Lister was genuinely thinking about what he was saying, or if he'd just fallen asleep.

Deciding this was taking too long one way or the other, he sighed disparagingly and tapped a button on the control panel on the table. "Okay, last resort time," he said into an intercom. "You're going to have to bring it in."

Kryten's voice warbled through the speaker. "Are you absolutely certain, sir? There's no other way?"

"We don't have a choice, Kryten. He's not shifting. It's the only way to get him up and about again."

Now the Cat's voice came through. "But come on, bud! This is inhuman! We can't possibly do this! It ain't right!"

"I don't like it anymore than you do, but we have no choice. It's for his own good. How we feel about it doesn't matter."

A heavy sigh came through the speaker. "On your own head be it, bud."

Rimmer clicked off the intercom and looked up Lister, who was now poking his head out curiously through from under the blanket, a look of confusion in his eyes.

"What's going on?" Lister asked.

"It's our last ditch effort to get you up and running again," Rimmer replied, a look of uneasiness in his own pupils.

"What is it?"

"A few days ago, we happened upon a derelict ship on that asteroid we passed. We went down in _Starbug _to investigate. It was an old scouting ship of British build. It had crash-landed. We loaded up on supplies, managing to replace most of what was lost last week. However, we happened across a device. A device that we are all familiar with. A device that has the potential to cause pain and suffering for eons on end. We brought it aboard as a final resort to bring you out of your misery. We don't want to use it, but in light of your attitude, we now have no choice."

Now Lister looked afraid. "What is it?" he asked nervously.

At that moment, the Cat and Kryten walked in through the doors. Cat was holding the device in his hands holding it out like it was a rabid boa constrictor going for his business.

Lister stared openly at it in amazement.

It was a new guitar.

It was shiny as it had just been polished and buffed. It had all it's strings in place, all in one piece. It was emblazoned with Union Jack.

"It's a guitar…," he said quietly.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. May god have mercy on our souls," Rimmer said with a shudder.

Ignoring the cheap shot at his questionable musical abilities, Lister slowly staggered down from his bunk and headed for the Cat, who held the guitar out at length. "You guys got me a new guitar?"

"To replace the one I broke earlier," Cat explained, looking a bit nauseous. "Take it."

"I can't believe it."

"Take it."

"You guys actually went out and got me a new guitar?"

"Yes, we did. Take it."

"It's not bad either! This is nice! Not a Les Paul copy like my old one, but still, this is _quality_! You guys – "

"_Take it, or I'm breaking this one too_!" Cat ordered angrily.

Quickly, Lister took the guitar in his hands and admired the work on it. "Smeg, she's a beaut! I can't thank you guys enough for this."

"Damn right, you can't," Rimmer grumbled.

"You know, Rimmer, I never got around to writing that song for you…"

"Yeah, let's keep it that way, actually. Just promise you'll only play it when we're not in the room."

"Or on this floor," Cat added.

Lister grinned. "Yeah, yeah, sure," he chuckled. "Musical talent is never understood in its time."

"Lister, you've technically been playing guitar for three million plus years. I think your time is awhile coming."

"Oh, do smeg off. I've got me some songwriting to do."

"Very well, sir, we'll just be going now," Kryten said. "Glad to see you're feeling better again."

"Yeah, cheers, Krytes. See you at dinnertime."

Kryten nodded half-heartedly as he began fleeing the room. Cat trailed after him. "Hey, wait for me, butterpat head!"

Rimmer followed after them, but Lister put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, Rimmer…"

They looked at each other for a few moments.

"…Thanks, man. This means a lot to me."

Rimmer looked a bit awkward, and he seemed to be trying to decide whether to smile or sneer. "Er, right… Don't mention it." And he left the room as dignifiedly as possible.

Lister grinned and shook his head tiredly, determined to shake the cobwebs out of his head so he could focus on writing. He cleared the table and pulled out some crinkled old notebook paper and a pen that wrote in green ink. He started writing with a renewed sense of purpose.

Not that many words rhymed with Kochanski, but he could think of quite a few that rhymed with Speed.

**THE END**

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Yes, that's right, this whole story was just a long, convoluted story to explain why Lister had a different guitar in Back to Earth. ;)_

_I still have some more ideas, but I have a commitment to deal with first. After that, I've been brainstorming a crossover with Doctor Who. We'll see where the fanfic road leads. Thanks for sticking with me. _


End file.
